


The Scientist

by TheHauntress



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholism, Cas really loves Dean, DEAN REALLY LOVES CAS, Drug Abuse, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV!Dean, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, all kinds all night all day, an epilogue no one would've guessed, and sex, assholes with issue, author!Cas, dense af little shits, depressed!Dean, i hope i could give justice, pov!cas, they're both just assholes sometimes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-04-23 16:57:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 27,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4884568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHauntress/pseuds/TheHauntress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Author Castiel Novak loses his enthusiasm in writing after his divorce with his first, one and only love, Dean Winchester. After fifteen years he decided to finally move on and live his life -- working in a restaurant as a waiter. And just when everything feels to fall in their proper places, comes Dean Winchester one night and another unexpected guest.</p>
<p>And after an unpleasant event, Dean decides to stay in Baltimore and look after Cas. Due to Sam's puppy dog eyes and his sense of responsibility to take care of the boys, Cas found himself offering his apartment to the Winchesters which they hurriedly accepted.</p>
<p>And now that they were finally together, will the two be able to fix their unresolved past? Or will the events happened to Cas in their time apart keep them from being together?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> im really in love with this song by coldplay and its mv so here's the fruit of that love. and, when this fic ends, i hope you wouldn't be confusing yourselves.
> 
> and oh the proper chapter numbering is the one that goes before every chapter title. sorry if it's a bit confusing :)
> 
> anyways thanks for the reads! please, please, please leave a comment. it's very much needed.

 

       I was lying on the ground. Blood all over me.

       I couldn’t move -- stucked staring at my left, hearing the endless beatings.

       Dean fell on the ground -- just right in front of me. His face was covered with patches of blood. His lower lip and right eyebrow had cuts. His nose was broken, though was not disarranged. His eyes were staring into mine.

       Sometimes I wonder why he never regret being with me. Despite of everything, he stayed. Why did he stay? He could've had a better life. He could've had a wife, a son, a house with white picket fence -- just like he always dreamed of. We both knew this is where it's gonna be. But he stayed.

       He stayed, and I wish he didn't.

       He reaches out his hand as he groaned when the paddle hit his thigh again. Our fingertips touched but the distance kept them from holding each other.

       He raised his left brace, smiling. And I knew it took everything of him to do that -- as it took everything of me. Then quickly, it faded -- like a wind that passed by. A car engine started and the wheels squeaked, then, trailed off. And all I could do is stare at Dean's face as his green eyes began to gradually shut. His fingertips were still lying over mine and I tried to feel something -- but there was nothing. The urge to hold them tight raged inside me, like a caged animal that wants to be freed.

       I want to squeeze his hand.

       I want to feel his warmth.

       But I can't. I was helpless.

       His eyes were close when a tear suddenly streamed down in his face. And a sudden dread hurled inside me.

       _No._

       I cried.

       _No._

       I wanted to shout. I wanted to scream. At the back of my mind, I was yelling.

_Dean! Wake up! Baby, please, no! Wake up! Dean!_

       Tears washed the blood on my face. I knew what was coming. And I can’t lose him. This isn’t supposed to happen. We’re meant to be happy. We’re meant to start over and make things right. We’re meant to spend the rest of our lives together. We’re meant for something _more_ than just death.

       _Dean, please! Help! Help!_

       I tried to open my mouth but even my jaw refused the command. The numbness of my leg made its way up and covered my whole body. My heart carried an unfamiliar weight. It thumped slower and slower and slower...

       _Dean... Please... Baby, please..._

       My lungs contracted, like someone is squeezing it. I took a deep breath, then exhaled, feeling my heartbeat. I didn't close my eyes. I left them open until there was no more beating left to feel from my heart.

       Then there it goes -- total darkness.

       But why? Why is it so dark?

       I didn't close my eyes. Why?

       _Why?_

 


	2. 1. Gone

~ Dean ~

 

 

       It was a bright and sunny day.

       Beautiful California morning.

       It's Thursday. And we aren't supposed to celebrate our divorce during Thursdays. It was our anniversary. Every Thursday _was_ our anniversary.

       But things changed. I changed. I made change.

       And now, I’m down on my knees -- praying I could take it all back..

 

       He was sitting on the second row from the chairs on my right. I was staring at him-- waiting, 'til he turn his head and flash that beautiful smile.

       But it didn't happen.

       The pounding of what seems to be a little mallet grabbed me back from reality. I was in a courtroom, Sammy was on my side. The guy he chose over me -- Ezekiel, if I remember the bastard correctly -- was sitting on his. My side was crowded with friends whom I met when I was overseas while his -- he got no one.

       The lady on the right of the judge sitting next to the stage finished her typing and began reading the verdict. Sam was listening intently. I know he understands what the lady says since he took up pre-law way back in Stanford. But on my part, I don’t really understand a word she say. Or maybe I just don’t care. My focus was on Cas, the only human being that I’ve ever loved. His face was placid -- no sign of hurting, no sign of pain or anger or hatred… Just plain and placid.

       “The court hereby declares your marriage null and void.”

       I turned my head at the sound of the sentence. My heart pounded heavily against my chest.

       “So ordered.” The lady continued. The judge hammered the little mallet thrice and right at that moment I know -- I can never take it back anymore.

       I remembered the moments where I just wanted to run to his house and apologize for being a douchebag and I imagine him forgiving me and we’re together again. Happy, like we used to be. I knew what to do. I knew what I want to do. But sometimes, shame eats you in whole and all the actions you thought of doing remained as thoughts.

       I sighed, letting regret eat me up.

       The crowd on my back shouted and celebrated the verdict. Sammy -- who remained silent after hearing the decision -- patted my back and fainted a smile. I faked a smile then. He knows me well, and he knows it was something I don’t consider celebration-worthy.

       Cas stood up and I stood due to my reflex, trying to block his way. I opened my mouth but there were no words that come out -- not even a sound. He walked pass through me, not bothering to look at my direction. Not bothering to at least glance on my way. Then I felt a painful ache in my heart that seemed to never vanish. I look down for a second and when I looked up, I saw Ezekiel’s eyes piercing on mine sharply.

       I sighed.

       He doesn’t look like as happy as imagined him would be. I followed his silhouette until he was out of the door. Then the sinking feeling starts. Reality crept in.

       He was gone. I lost him. I let myself to lose him.

 

       I shook my head twice then sighed heavily again.

 

       I tried to fight the tears that warring their way out but I never felt relieved when I won against them. Because I know -- when I got home, when I’m finally all alone -- there will be emptiness I can never fill in. No matter how much I cry, No matter how much I regret what I’ve done. Because he was gone.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so you will observe that some of the chapter titles were song titles of various artists of all kinds of genres (mostly pop) 'coz i really have a thing for music. hope you enjoyed it.  
> thanks for reading!


	3. 2. Nothing Like Starting Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i forgot to say, Cas has the pada-hair in this chapter together with Purgatory look (moustache and beard like a caveman) so okay, enjoy!

~ Cas ~

 

 

           My eyes fell open.

 

           The bottle of beer on my hand was still cold, though it wasn’t as cold as it was last night.

 

           I groaned as I got up. I placed both of my hands on my face, covering it. My head hurts like hell. Something sharp was piercing on my stomach, like I wanted to throw up but there was nothing. I didn’t know when she came. The only thing I knew is she burst into the door and stood on my left where I can see her in my peripheral, by both of her hands on either side of her waist.

 

           “Castiel Novak. What have you done to yourself?” Charlie hysterically mouthed. I stood up quietly and reached for the sink. I let the bottle I was holding to sit there as I made a few steps to reach the fridge. On top of it lies a box of cancer sticks beside a lighter. I took the box and stared what’s inside it for a moment. There were only three of them left there now. I took one out and lit it up and when I turned, Charlie snatched it from my mouth, stepped on it angrily then threw it on the bin. I stared at the trash bin for a moment and felt no traces of disappointments. Charlie then took me out of my daze by hitting her knuckles on my jaw. At first, I thought my neck will break but luckily, it didn’t. I didn’t move. I stayed still from where I stand, not bothering to turn my head.

 

           “Goddammit, Castiel! It’s been fifteen years! Fifteen years!” The words kept ringing in my ear. Fifteen years. Who would’ve thought it had been that long? “You’ve got to move on. You’ve gotta stop moping around, locked up in this prison cell. He ain’t ever coming back. He’s the one who filed the divorce, remember?” She scoffed. And I felt like I was hearing her but doesn’t really hear her. “Fine. If you don’t wanna be Carver Edlund anymore, fine. It doesn’t matter, you heard me?” She shook her head and stared on her left for a moment. “I don’t care if you don’t want to write anymore. I don’t care if you lost that fucking magic. But please… Live a life, Cas. This isn’t you, man. Man up, okay? Man. Up.”

 

           Silence swirled around us for a few minutes until she hauled me out of the house and into her car.

 

           I sighed, putting my seatbelt on. Somehow I wished she let me even change for a moment or so.

 

           We hit the road and stopped on a salon. I sat on the couch then leaned my head against the glass wall, thinking she wanted an audience as she pampers herself. Then she dragged my arm again and made me sit on chair in front of a mirror. There, I saw a man staring back at me. His face was covered with beard and mustache, his eyes were dark blue and lost its glow. His eye bags were swollen, like you can actually put a luggage on it or something. His hair was long and thick, like a bird’s nest. The man in front of me looked old, knowing his true age.

 

           Then the expert started working on me. He cut my hair, cleaned up my face, put something like jelly and mint on my eyes which felt like it’ll be there forever, polished my nails -- made me looked like a human again. From the time he was done, he let me face the mirror. The old looking man was now gone, replaced by a younger-looking one. He was now free from the hairs that once covered his face. His eye bags don’t swell anymore though his eyes were still dark. And his hair was cut short the way De --

 

           I shook my head to erase the thought.

 

           Our next stop was a boutique for men. Charlie chose the clothes while I became a test subject that abides her instructions without contest. She bought me a pair of suits and a trench coat together with the casual shirts and jeans she intended to change my wardrobe. After that, we went to a shoe store. She almost bought the whole store, luckily, I had the guts to say “no” and to my surprise, she listened. It was by night-time when we reach an exclusive restaurant. I was literally starving by then. Our orders came and she gestured for me to start eating and so I did. After a few minutes, a man came to our table and approached Charlie.

 

           “Fergus!” She exclaimed, hugging the man. “Please. I did not spend a lot of money to be called by that name again.” He replied. “Oops, my bad.” She put her fingertips on her mouth, smiling, and the man sat beside me. “Is this him?” He asked. I turned my head upon realizing he was pertaining to me. “Yes. That’s him.” She smiled. “See, he can do anything you want and it’s not really a big deal to him on whatever position you put him on.” She added.

 

           Their conversation continued and there I realized -- Charlie just got me a job. I didn’t contest. After everything she’d done to me, maybe this is the only way I could repay her -- to shut up and accept the job.

 

          We went home after that. I will be starting tomorrow. Before I could hop out the car, Charlie held my hand. “You got one shot on this one.” She muttered. “Please… Don’t mess this up.” She pleaded. I faint a smile then nodded shortly. And as I waved goodbye until her car was out of sight, I realized it’s about time.

 

          I went inside the motel and started cleaning up.

 

          I only got one shot on this… and I won’t mess it up.

 


	4. 3. Took Me By Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i cant think of an appropriate title so i decided to go on the lyrics with this one

~ Cas ~

 

"What the hell are you doing?!" Mr. Crowley exclaimed. His eyes were open wide, as if seeing such horrible act. "I'm, uh, washing the dishes?" I replied, putting the liquid soap-filled sponge around the plate. "Castiel. You are not supposed to do that. You're a waiter, not a dish washer." I smiled. "I know, Mr. Crowley, it's just that -- I have nothing else to do." Mr. Crowley smiles. He was about to say something when a waiter interrupted us. "Castiel? Someone's requesting for you." He said. I met Mr. Crowley’s gaze then he smiled. "Booth or table?" I asked. Ever since I started working here a month ago, my service had always been requested, most especially by the elderly. They say I'm too polite, but to be honest, I'm just doing my job. "Number?" I asked again. "Three."

       As soon as I got out of the kitchen, I head straight to the booth no. 3. I looked down on the pocket at my left chest and took the pen and small notepad lying there. "Good evening, may I take your order now?" I asked, writing at the notepad. Silence drew my confusion so I looked up and saw the familiar face I've been trying to forget for the past fifteen years. I stared at him, my eyes filled with horror and amusement.

       _Why is he here? Of all diners, why here? Did he came with the girl? Are they still together? How did he found me? Was it by accident? Was he looking for me?_

 

       I faked a smile, diminishing the awkwardness that hanged between us. "Hey, Cas." A man on my right popped out and gave me a hug and a pat on my back. He was smiling -- sweetly, like his smiles have always been. Very far from his brother's reaction whose mouth was still left half-open. Guess, he was just as surprise as I am.

       "Sam..." The name came like a breath or a sigh under my tongue. It took me minutes to pronounce it aloud and it wasn't the way I wanted it to be. "So good to see you." He said, coughing a laugh. "You're a bit of a work, though. Thought you'll outdo me but hey, guess no one beats the genius." He smirked, tapping his finger on the side of his temple, the other hand on his pocket. He was boasting yet the sound of his voice signals a bit timidity.

       I smiled. For the first time, it came from the heart.

       "So.. how did you find me?"

       "Well, I have my sources."

       I shook my head and chuckled.

       "Alright, back to business. Anything you like to eat?"

       "I don't know. Dean?"

       My eyes flew to his in reflex, finding him staring back at me. His eyes were green with flashes of amusement and other sorts of emotions I barely recognize. He didn't say anything, yet, he just looked at me. Very intently, if I interpreted it correctly. And it took all my strength to look away. "Our burgers here are great. It's a must-try." I suggested, focusing on Sam's blue-green eyes. "You like that?" He asked Dean, who still can’t get a grip of reality. "Castiel?" Someone called. I turned and found another waiter approaching towards my direction. "Someone's looking for you." He said, pointing at the table where a man in a black leather jacket sat.

       My heart beat faster. There is only one guy who has those features. One guy I know that wears those kinds of black leather jacket. And if he's here, then I'm in trouble.

       I left the Winchesters on the hands of the waiter that approached me earlier, then walked towards the man. My footsteps felt heavy every time I get closer. I turned and was surprised to see he was looking back at me. He gestured me to sit down but I refused, "I'm working right now." He smirked then said, "I will make a scene if you don't sit. Your call."

       To save myself from trouble, I sat in front of him.

       My eyes shifted back and forth from the Winchesters to the man in a black leather jacket. Does he know who they are? I doubt. But this guy's a great researcher. What if he knew? What if the boys are in trouble? What if --

       “You seem to worry more about your little pets over there.” He said, taking a bite of his burger. “When all you should be worrying about,” His eyes bore into mine as he flashed his most predatory glare. “is yourself.”

       My eyes opened wide. So, he knew. He knew who they are. And if he knows, he’ll definitely use them against me. Or worst, he might come after them. It can’t be. I can’t let that happen.

       “What do you want, Michael?”

       He smirked, “Oh, you know what I want, Castiel.” -- pause -- “I want you to die. I want you to suffer the way my brother did.” He rest his back against the chair. “But I know it would be too easy for you. So I thought, ‘hey, why not be friends with his beloved pals.’ That’ll be far more great revenge if you ask me.” He winked and the creeps kept crawling under my skin. “Don’t you think?”

       “Don’t you dare touch a single hair strand of them and I swear -- ”

       “What?” He drew closer to me, his elbows pressed on the table. “Tell me, Castiel. What will a little prat like you would do?” He smiled evily.

       He stood up swiftly and I thought he’s about to leave, but his body turned on the opposite direction from where the exit was and head towards the Winchesters.

       I followed him as swiftly as I can and pushed him backwards once I was already in front of him. From my peripheral, I can see Dean looked up with confused eyes then turned to Sam. Both of them remained quiet and I’m glad they did.

       “What?” Michael smiled teasingly. “Is this how you treat your avid customers here?” He asked, grinning widely. I clenched my jaw, Michael, then, turned to Dean and extended his hand. I shoved his hand away and his eyes set on mine sharply. “Back. Off.” I said in a low but stern voice. His eyes pierced on mine and I held it as long as I can. He raised both of his hands as a sign of surrender. “So long, Castiel.” He said, mocking a salute. He walked few steps away from the booth and I was just about to give off a sigh of relief when he turned back again and said, “And oh -- just a piece of unsolicited advice. Sleep with one eye open, ‘coz you’ll never know what’s coming.” Then, finally made his way out.

       I sighed. At last.

       “What was that all about?” Sam asked. I turned to him and his brows were furrowed. “Mind your own business, boys.” I answered, then make it straight to the kitchen. I placed my hands on the sink for a moment then punch it. Of all the nights that Michael could go here, he really chose tonight. When Dean and Sam were also here. I don’t understand. Does that mean he knows that they were here? I’d like to bet on coincidence but it doesn’t really happen to him.

       I breathed in and out, calming myself.

       What should I do now? All these years I’ve been running away from both of them and having them find me in just one night makes me feel like running was just a waste of time.

       I can’t run now. I know it’s the most stupid thing I’d ever done but I can’t. Not until the two have left. Not until I know that they were safe -- far from Michael’s reach.

       “Castiel?” I looked around and found Mr. Crowley by the door. “I’ve saw what happened a while back.” I looked down. I promised myself I won’t screw this new life up -- and yet, I failed.

       “Look, I’m not firing you for what happened. But Charlie told me that guy was bad news and I’d understand if you want to leave.”

       “Are you suggesting that I should -- ”

       “No, no, it’s not that. I just -- ”

       “So, I can stay?”

       “Of course, Castiel. Who would want someone like you to leave?”

       _He_ did.

       I bit my lip and push the thought away, shaking my head twice.

 

       Mr. Crowley, then, insisted that I should go home early tonight. He said it has been a long day and I should go home and get some rest.

       I put my coat on and took my things then head to the back exit. I was just about to turn my right when someone dragged me from behind -- his left arm around my chest, pulling me backwards.

       I tried my best to get a clear view of him from my peripheral but it was too dark I could barely see his face. His breathing was steady as I felt his lips moving next to my ear, whispering, “A token of appreciation from a dear friend.” Then suddenly, something sharp -- a knife -- cut deep and long into my throat. The man tossed me aside -- my head hitting the wall of the alley -- and ran away immediately, leaving me bleeding as my back landed on the ground.

       I held my neck, trying to put some pressure on it to prevent more blood from spilling.

       But it didn’t work.

       I took my hand off my neck and unconsciously stared at it. It was all red and the next thing I knew -- I was already lying on the ground.

 


	5. 4. Trouble

~ Dean ~

 

 

           “I really think Cas’s in trouble.” Sam mouthed as he chews a fry. Of course, Cas is in trouble. I know that look. That clenched jaw, sharp, piercing eyes -- I know what that means. “I think we should stay longer than planned. What do you think?”

 

           I scoffed, shaking my head.

 

           “I think _you’ll_ be in trouble if you don’t start explaining _now_.” Sam swallowed hard as I kept my eyes on him. He sighed and surrendered at the same time.

 

           “Dean. I know you. For the past fifteen years, all you ever did was dumped yourself to work. You don’t even go out to have fun anymore.” He ranted.

 

           I looked at him like he’s grown a third head ‘coz “What is frigging wrong with that?”

 

           “What’s wrong?” Sam huffed indignantly, as if I should’ve known better than to ask. “Dean, it’s painfully obvious how miserable you are after the -- ” My eyes flew sharply on him, and his blue-gray eyes held my stare then looked down before looking back at me again. He cleared his throat then continued, “What I was saying is that, I know you want this. Deny it all you want but I know what I saw. And, Dean, your eyes never shone like that for the past fifteen years.”

 

           I sighed.

 

          It was true. I am so frigging happy to see him again, and I cannot fool myself that I never missed those blue eyes, that smile, that look -- everything. But I know how it’s gonna be. And it’s not like I could just tell him I love him and everything will go back to the way they were.

 

          We were broken because of me. In pain, because of me. And when I saw the smile he flashed to Sam -- I know I can’t enter his life anymore. He is happy now. Far from what I remember him -- placid expression, flat face, dead fish eyes. He has that glow again. He’s back again. And just like what Charlie said, _I’_ m the bad news. _I_ caused him pain. _I_ ruined his life. And _I_ should never walk in it again, ever.

 

           “Hey,” Sam snapped his finger. “I could practically hear what you’re thinking right now.”

 

           I rolled my eyes and looked away, shoving a fry on my mouth.

 

           “Dude -- you’ve got to give yourself a chance. People, they make mistakes. But they should be allowed to redeem their selves.”

 

           “You done, padre?”

 

           Sam just scoffed and rolled his eyes.

 

            I grabbed my things and got out, Sammy followed after. I head to our car parked a few blocks away from the diner. I took the keys out of my pocket as I walked and tossed it, looking for my car’s. Suddenly, I heard Sam screamed my name. I turned my back in split second and looked around but he was not there. “Dean!” He shouted again. I walked a few steps back and when I turned my head to an alley, I was glued from where I stand.

 

           “Cas? Cas? Wake up? Hey. Hey!” Sam kept mouthing. There were bloodstains on his white shirt now that wasn’t there before. Cas lied in his arms as he endlessly shook him to wake him up. It was all dark, yet the red liquid coming from his throat stood out and became the brightest color to my eyes. “Dean! Call an ambulance! Now!” The sight kept my body frozen. My eyes were locked on Cas, who was fighting not to close his.

 

           “Cas?! Cas!”

 

_No._

 

           “Hey! Wake up!”

 

_This can’t be._

 

           “Hey, stay with me. You hear me? Stay with me!”

 

_This can’t be._

 

           In a snap, I took him out of Sam’s arms and gave him the keys. “Go!” I shouted. Sam ran and turned to the right. “Hey -- Hey, I got you.” I mouthed, putting his arm around my shoulder as I lift him up. He can barely open his eyes and his hand fell from its grip of his throat. I can see his wound clearly now -- carved from one end to the other. The smell of his blood makes me dizzy, so I tried to focus myself on something else. There, the smell of his perfume became distinct and that’s where I took the strength to fight the drowsiness aside.

 

**×××**

 

           “He’s losing a lot of blood.” A nurse exclaimed. He was now unconscious. I was standing in front of him -- few steps away -- watching all of the hospital staff work on him. Then suddenly, a nurse slid the curtains closed and it made me blink twice. Sam patted my back and led me to rows of chair which I think is a waiting area. It took an hour or two before the doctor came out. “How is he?” I asked. “He’s stable now. He’s being transferred to a regular room. We will still run a few tests and maybe then we could say when you can take him home.” She smiled as I nod then left.

 

           I head straight to his room after texting Sam his room number. He was still sleeping soundly when I came in and all the frustrations and dread wore off. I sat on the chair next to his bed, holding his hand as after drawing closer.

 

           I sighed with relief.

 

           I don’t know what to think. My mind was filled with tons of nothing. I’ve always imagined how this is gonna be -- but it never occurred to me this way. I pressed my lips on his hand and fought the tear that wants to come out. Sam was right. He was in trouble. Whoever did this -- I’ll hunt him down. I will make him pay. And I won’t ever leave this town until he was rotting in jail -- or dead.

 

           Sammy bursted into the door and my sleep fled off. “Here.” He said, extending his hand with a brown bag. I took the bag and took a can of beer out. “How is he?” He asked. I gulped the beer and crumpled the can once it was empty. “He’s fine. Doctor says he’s stable. We’ll just have to wait for him to -- ”

 

           Cas groaned and turned his head, his eyes opening slowly -- adjusting to the light. They met mine and he wrinkled his forehead as he recognized me. I was about to asked how he feels when Sam beat me. “Hey, you okay?” He cleared his throat and nod, trying to sit up. “No.” I quickly said as I laid him back. “Doctor said it’ll be better if you lie down.” I added, keeping the pace of my voice normal.

 

           We let him breathe first before Sammy finally drops the question itching his tongue. “Who did this you?” Cas looked at him then away before answering, “I don’t know.” My arms are crossed around my chest as my brows furrowed. “How come I don’t believe you?” He said.

 

           Cas sighed, “Look. I really don’t know who did this. It was too dark and everything happened so fast and -- ” He shook his head.

 

           “How about that guy back at the diner? It was obvious you two had something on each other’s shoulders?”

 

           “Yes, you’re right. We… We had an unfinished business to settle but -- ” His eyes looked at mine first then Sammy's.  "I know what you’re thinking.” He indicated with a sharp look, "And it’s not him.”

 

           “Then who?”

 

           “May I borrow your phone?”

 

           “Why? Did you lose your phone a while back?”

 

           “I lost my phone fifteen years ago.” He replied, stretching his hand to reach it. He tapped the numbers with squinted eyes and placed it next to his ear. Somehow, I was hoping it was Charlie he was calling, instead of --

 

           I sighed, pushing the thoughts away.

 

           “Hey, it's me.” He said. “I'm, uh -- I'm in a hospital.” His forehead wrinkled and put the phone away from his ear in reflex then back again. “I -- I'll fill you in when you came here.” He assured whoever it was. Suddenly, his eyes shifted to Sam and mine before focusing on the caller again. “Yeah -- Yeah, they're with me.” He said, pertaining to us. And now the dying-feeling had just grown stronger. “Just -- Just get your ass in here, will you?” I tilted my head back and blinked at the sound of the slang he just used. Sam immediately turned his head to my direction then back to Cas. He never used slangs before. It must've been Ezekiel's influence.

 

           The thought of the name made my tongue taste bitter.

 

           It was past eight o'clock when lady in red, short hair -- jaw-level short -- bursted into the door. Her eyes pierced on Sam's and mine before focusing them on Cas. “How you doing?” She asked. Cas groaned as he got up. “Fine.” He plainly said. “Take those off. We're leaving.” She instructed. Cas pulled the needles out while Charlie took out some clothes and then assisted him to the bathroom. Sam and I straightened and stilled, watching their every move.

 

           “What are you doing here?” Charlie asked, closing the bathroom door. Sam and I glanced at each other then back to her again. He must've known I don't have anything to say so Sam answered her instead.

 

           “We're -- ” Sam looked at me again and I gave him that ‘go on’-look. “We're eating on a diner where Cas works. We're just about to leave the town when I found Cas with bleeding throat in an alley so we brought him here.”

 

           “Didn’t I tell you that _you_ were bad news?” She exclaimed, pointing her finger on me.

 

           “Hey,” Sam said, making her back a step. “It’s not my brother who slashed the throat of your best friend, so you better point your fingers on the right one.”

 

           “Am I talking to you?”

 

           “Charlie.”

 

           Suddenly, all our eyes focused on Cas as he weakly leaned against the door. We all rushed into his side but Charlie shoved us away. She helped him sit on the bed first, taking something out of her bag. Then, I realized that it was a syringe. I tried to stop her yet, it was too late. She plunged the needle on his thigh and pulled it back upon emptying it. “What are you doing?” Sam asked hysterically. “It’s morphine, bitch.” She said. “Let’s go. Zeke’s waiting outside.” She helped Cas get up and I watched them walk out the door, Sam running after them.

 

           I sat heavily on the bed. The sound of the name made me weak.

 

 _So, they were still together_. I thought.

 

           I remembered the last time I saw them. It was before the day I filed the divorce. The two held out each other’s hand in café, Cas smiling sweetly as the son of a bitch smiled back at him in the same manner.

 

           I shook my head to erase the thought.

 

           I went outside of the room, running downstairs as if I would be able to cope up. From the time I got there, wheels screeched and the car where Cas was hurriedly left, Sam standing a few feet away. I ran to his side as his eyes followed the car until it turned on the corner. “Let’s go.” He said, tapping my chest with back of his hand.

 

 


	6. 5. Haunted

~ Cas ~

 

 

 

       “What the fuck, Cas?”

 

       “I told you, it wasn’t Michael.”

 

       “And how sure are you about that?”

 

       “It wasn’t his voice.”

 

       “Goddammit, Novak! What a stupid douche are you?”

 

       “That’s enough.”

 

       Ezekiel held Charlie’s hand and kissed the back of it. Right then, Charlie stopped nagging and started blushing. When I caught Ezekiel’s eye on the rearview, I smiled and so does he.

 

       I know who did this. I know he did. I know that Charlie was right. He could hire anybody to do the dirty work. Hell, saying the guy is filthy rich is going to be an understatement.

 

       I sighed, resting my head on the seat.

 

       I looked outside the window and watched the streets gone by. It wasn’t my bleeding throat that bothers me. It was the green, concerned eyes that bore into my soul when I woke up that bothers me. _A lot._ How the hell he found me -- still got no clue. Or maybe it was just Sam that was looking for me. Dean never said that he was looking, too, right? So that means he doesn’t care anymore. But then again -- judging by the way he looked at me tonight -- it’s as if he was looking to a star that he never thought he would see so close. His eyes -- in shock, but bright and sparkling with anticipation.

 

       After realizing how stupid I was turning into (again), I gave myself a mental kicked and told myself not to do that ever again. Though I know I never did any good in that department.

 

       I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to forget about those green eyes and freckles that’s haunting me. It’s been years -- _fifteen frigging years and still you felt that way? What the fuck, Cas? Man up!_

       I kept my eyes closed despite hearing Charlie asked me something. And thanks to Zeke for saving me saying “Let him rest.” when Charlie tends to wake me.

 

       The ride from the hospital to my apartment wasn’t long. It was located at the middle of the city. Go by right and the restaurant will be there; go by left and the grocery store will welcome you. When I told Charlie that I’m coming back, she prepared everything for me -- including this apartment. After the divorce, I’ve had nothing. I _was_ nothing. I lost everything I’ve had and ever wanted -- house, work, life. Every single one of those just belonged to --

 

       _No. Stop._

 

       I’m just very grateful for having Charlie despite all the times I ditched her and kicked her out of my life.

 

       Zeke and Charlie decided to get inside for some tea. Though I wanted to offer them some dinner, it’s already past grocery hours.

 

       It was awkward silence at first. I know how Charlie wants to desperately nag at me for not being careful and for talking to the Winchesters. She’s always like that -- it’s her way to show affection and worry. Irritating, yet, it was something you wouldn’t want to miss in your life. That kind of caring… It was more than a family or a sister could give. Zeke squeezes her hand a couple of times until she finally calmed down. He initiated the non-situation-related topics to ease us both.

 

       And it worked.

 

       Things were just getting brighter when a knock came by the door. “I’ll get it.” Charlie offered, unable to contain a smile from how Zeke teases her when she blushes. She opened the door and complete silence occurred. I turned and found a tall man with a green-eyed one standing beside him.

_I am so screwed._

 


	7. 6. Never Be

~ Dean ~

 

 

       “Hey, check this out.” Sam said, holding out the laptop. I took a quick glance of it then focused my eyes back on the road.

 

       “What’s that?”

 

       “It’s the location where Cas is.”

 

       My eyes flew to his side in reflex and stared at him before looking back at the road again.

 

       “See, I happen to memorize the plate no. of the car he was riding on. So, I hack the city cameras to see where they head and stopped and some of their files to know whoever the car belongs to.”

 

       I pouted my lips, “Damn. You are such a nerd.”

 

       “Jerk.”

 

       “Bitch.”

 

       Sam rolled his eyes as he continuously typed on his laptop. “There.” He said, staring at the monitor for a few seconds. “What is it?” I asked, impatient to know the answer. “Turns out that the car was registered to a guy named Ezekiel Milton.” His eyebrows furrowed. “Wait.” I was just about to snap him out of his gaze when he suddenly said, “Isn’t that Charlie’s boyfriend?” He asked.

 

       My eyes widened, “Thought Charlie’s into girls.”

 

       “Yeah -- well, apparently, she _was_. But a few years after you got overseas, she introduced this Ezekiel guy to us and -- ”

 

       “Us? Meaning, you and Cas?”

 

       “Yeah. Then we all had a great time and Cas became close to him like he was with Charlie.”

 

       I kept silent for a long time. Could it be that Cas and Ezekiel had a thing while he and Charlie are still together? But that can’t be. Cas -- he isn’t like that. He’s not the kind that --

 

       “Hey. Don’t tell me you were thinking that they were together while he and Charlie are also together.”

 

       I folded my lips into a line.

 

       “Dude -- “ He scoffed, shaking his head. “How many times do I have to tell you that Cas and him were just friends?”

 

       “I know what I saw, Sammy.”

 

       “Yeah -- well, apparently your interpretation was wrong. See, when Charlie took off and you two are totally crashing down, Ezekiel was the only person who was there for Cas. He gives him advice like ‘just keep on understanding him,’ or ‘be patient with him.’ Man! The guy’s good.”

 

       “Whatever.”

 

 

**×××**

 

 

       After Sammy’s endless bugging, we drove on the motel where Cas stays. According to the intel he got, he was staying at the room no. 407 -- so we went straight to the said room. Sammy knocked three times and Charlie opened the door with an irritated "What?" She tilted her head back while her eyes widened and her right brow raised. "Hiya." Sam sheepishly smiled and waved but she didn't care.

 

       "How the fuck did you found us?"

 

       "My brother's a genius." I replied, smiling more sheepishly than Sam after Charlie pierced her eyes on mine.

 

       "Babe? What's going on?"

 

       I straightened my back at the sound of the voice of the man I hated all these years -- for nothing.

 

       "Dean?" He called, his voice sounded amused and confused at the same time. "Call the guards. Tell them burglars attacked us." Charlie instructed to Ezekiel.

 

       "Hey, that's not -- "

 

       "Charlie." Cas called. His eyes landed straight into mine after looking at Charlie. "Let them in."

 

       "But -- "

 

       "Sam, D -- " He stopped, the sound of my name under his tongue must've been like fire that burns.

 

       He swallowed hard and shook his head.

 

       "Dean, come in. Have a seat."

 

       "What! Why! No! You're not getting in." Charlie contested, pointing her finger on us.

 

       "My house. My rules."

 

       "They're the reason why you're all messed up like shit!"

 

       "They're the reason why I'm still breathing right now, Charlie."

 

       "Aren't they the reason why it happened to you after all?"

 

       Silence hurled the room. Charlie's words kept ringing in my ear.

 

       _Aren't they the reason why it happened to you after all?_

 

What does she mean by that? That Cas was in trouble because of us? How? Why? It doesn’t makes sense.

 

       "Charlie. You know that's not true."

 

       Charlie scoffed and head out, her shoulder collided roughly against ours.

 

       "Guess I should talk some sense to her." Ezekiel said. Cas smiled and nodded, Ezekiel, squeezing his shoulder. He looked at Sam then at me -- for a long time -- then left.

 

       The next minutes became uncomfortably quiet. We all sat in the small, round table -- Cas in front of us and Sam on my right.

 

       Sam cleared his throat, breaking the silence. "So," Cas blinked twice, looking up to Sam. The whole time I was just staring at him -- how impossibly calm he could be after having someone just ripped his throat out. "How you feeling, Cas?" Sam asked. It was obvious he just wanted something to talk about.

 

       "I'm, uh, I'm fine... thanks." Cas said, fainting a smile.

 

       If the situation was different, I could've asked freely who the fuck would want him bleeding.

 

       But I'm not allowed to asked questions. I shouldn't. Cas and I were friends, ex-lovers. And apparently, we didn't part friends.

 

 


	8. 7. Echo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ITALIZED PART is Cas' dream/Cas and Dean's past.  
> so, we're seriously getting into some plot here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hola my beloved readers!  
> im sorry to update really late. you know, life has gotten into me, and when i say life, i actually mean schoolworks.  
> tons and tons of shitload called schoolwork.  
> but of course, i always have you in mind sooooooo here it is.

~ Cas ~

 

 

          _I drove all night until I caught a glimpse of the Impala on the side of the road. I jumped out and ran towards it after I parked the Corvette a few feet from where it stood._

_The Impala was facing the lake and I really couldn’t see if anyone or anything was inside it at all. The windows of the car were down so I lowered my back to peek if Dean was inside, but I suddenly froze on the sight I saw._

_I gasped and the fingertips of both of my hands flew instantly on my mouth and covered it. A red-haired girl caught my stare and Dean followed her gaze and muttered “Oh fuck! Cas!”  I straightened up, trying to get a grip of what I saw. Dean was naked, lying **under** the red-haired girl._

_**No.**_

****

_Dean couldn’t do this to me. He loves me. He told me **he loves me**_. _I shut my eyes and wake myself up -- hoping I was just caught up in a really bad dream. But no, I’m not. When I opened my eyes the two was trying to get dressed inside the car. That means this is as **real** as heavens could allow. _

_Dumbfounded, I walked a few steps back real slow. Dean finally jumped out of the car wearing nothing but his jeans. His disheveled hair and the sweat on his chest made things clear to me. He really had sex with another girl. My eyes flew to the girl who managed to put as much clothing as possible in a short period of time. “Cas,” Dean called and my attention was suddenly on him. He was looking apologetically, but I don’t think he really was sorry. I fought back the tears that wanted to escape my eyes as I stared at him._

_He cheated on me. After everything, he cheated on me. I loved him so fucking much and still, he cheated on me. We’re supposed to fix everything. I was supposed to tell him how much I love him -- that we don’t have to end things at all. That everything was all in the past and we can just start anew. That all we needed was each other and nothing else. **No one else**._

_I gasped and turned my back, closing my eyes as I walk towards my car. Dean grabbed my arm but I pushed him hard. Maybe I was wrong for thinking **we** wanted this. Maybe it was all **me** who wanted to fix everything. Maybe he really wanted to get the hell out of my life and fuck this red-haired girl that only God knows the name of._

_I opened the front seat of my car and took the folder that was sitting there the whole ride. I walked back to Dean and let him watch as I signed the papers. If he really wanted to fix this as much as I do, then maybe he wouldn’t have given me this stupid divorce papers this morning in the first place. I stretched out my hand, gesturing him to take the folder. Instead, he just stared at it -- his blood escaped his face, making him look pale. Realizing he’s stucked in surprise, I took his hand and put the folder there -- curling his fingers around it so it won’t fall. After that, I went back straight to my Corvette without a word and drove as fast as I could._

_All the while I already knew that Charlie was right. Dean was long gone even before he went overseas to ‘find himself’. I knew when he came back, it wasn’t the same anymore. From the hug that he didn’t return the day he came home to the days he wouldn’t be home because he was out with his friends to wherever the hell they went -- I know. Goddamn knows that I know. But I love Dean so much I’d rather go blind than live without him. But tonight… Tonight he made it clear to me that I am nothing to him. That he doesn’t love me anymore. Hell if he’d ever loved me._

_All those years we’ve been together, all those battles we faced, all those words of insult we managed to laugh at -- all of those were put to waste. How could he throw something like that? How could he just walk away from me like we -- like **I** didn’t mean anything at all? How could he do this to me?_

_I wiped the tears that I didn’t knew was there and hit the gas hard, flying off the road._

 

 

**×××**

 

 

       My eyes flew wide-open as I sat. Mixture of tears and sweat soaked my face.

 

       I looked around the familiar darkness of my room and sighed. This was the nth time I dreamed about that day I caught Dean having sex with another girl at the back of his Impala this past weeks. It was so vivid it felt like I was reliving that moment over and over again.

 

       I pushed my knees up to my chest and buried my face in between them as tears harshly fall out of my eyes. It’s been fifteen years. Fifteen fucking years and still -- why does it still hurt so bad?

 

**×××**

 

       It’s been three months now since the Winchesters came here in Baltimore. Three months since I offered my apartment to shelter them which they -- practically Sam -- rushed to accept. Three months since I started living with them and three months since I started dreaming about that day again and again. Charlie was right -- this really is a bad idea. But I can’t let them stay in a motel while Michael was out there, waiting for a perfect time to strike again.

 

       I pushed myself up and let my feet fall on the floor as I sat. It’s been a restless three months and I should probably regret them being here but no, I don’t. At all. It’s the least that I can do.

 

       I sighed heavily and went to shower. The cold water running down my skin could’ve made me shiver if my mind wasn’t off the rails. I dressed immediately and walked out of my room. My eyes flew to the kitchen, finding Dean cooking breakfast and Sam on the bar, drinking his coffee. Sam turned his head to look at me while Dean stared as he started putting the bacon and eggs on the plate. I can clearly feel something is off about me for them to react that way. “What?” I asked, can’t help the words from slipping out.

 

       “Dude, it’s Sunday.”

 

       I stared at the both of them for a few good seconds, trying not to meet Dean’s eyes as I did. “And?”

 

       “Well,” Dean’s voice sent chills on my spine which I fought so hard to push aside. “According to your schedule, you have no work on Sundays.”

 

       My eyebrows furrowed, not getting where this conversation is heading to. I stared at both of them once more. Accidentally (and I mentally kicked myself for doing so), my eyes met Dean’s as they lowered on my chest. Dumbfounded, I followed his gaze and let an “Oh, shit!” out of my mouth. I immediately walked towards my bedroom.  I was so caught up with the thought of my dream last night I didn’t noticed I dressed in my Gas n’ Sip uniform. Now I have to wash them again, thanks to my always-absent brain.

 

       After dressing into my sweats and blue shirt, I found the brothers laughing at me. I tried to look angry (which I really wanted to be so) but a smile conquered my face and a chuckle betrayed me. “Dude, you should’ve seen your face. It was priceless.” Sam said laughingly. Dean -- who happened to be sitting across mine -- giggling silently as his shoulders fall rhythmically up and down, shaking his head. “Ha ha ha. Very funny, Winchesters.” I said, rolling my eyes.

 

       “But, dude, seriously. What the hell came over you? It’s not like you’re forgetful or something.”

 

       I shrugged and Dean immediately stopped giggling. His eyes bore into mine with that worried expression, like he knows that when I shrugged that way, it means I’m not okay. “Nothing. It’s just…” I trailed off looking for a good excuse so Dean could finally stop looking at me like I was child who just lost his puppy. I shook my head and grabbed the bacon when I came up with nothing. I found the two doing that crazy stare again like I’ve grown a second head. “What again?” I said as I chew the bacon. “You do not eat the bacon with your fingers.” Dean answered.

 

       “Says who?”

 

       “Says you.” He replied. “It was one of your rules.” Oh yeah, right. I used to tell them that but… “It’s not like we still have to follow that.” The thought came out of my mouth. Dean looked at me and I know by that look that he knows something is wrong. And his concern is the last thing I needed.

 

       I went straight to the living area and turned the TV on. The apartment suddenly gone too quiet but I’ll be damned if I say I actually cared. Yes, maybe Dean and I are living in the same house -- but that doesn’t mean we’re getting along like friends supposed to be. Sure, we laugh together here and there but mostly because Sam’s laughter is contagious -- nothing more, nothing less. It can be friendship with Sam but with Dean, it’s purely business.

 

       I switched the channels as I saw Dean washing the dishes on my peripheral. Sam head to the couch and I smiled to cue him its fine to sit beside me. I continued switching channels until I stumbled on a news flash.

 

_“Today, we are gathered in New York Time Square as we commemorated the death of one of the great racers in town, Balthazar Roche.”_

       My breaths hitched up upon hearing that name and it kept echoing on my head over and over again. The sound of the news reporter was now distant and Michael’s yells on my ear became so audible I would’ve believed he was here.

 

       Not knowing when I did so, I found myself slumped on my bedroom floor. Knees up to my chest as I buried my face in between, my back against the door. Not knowing why, I cried and shivered all at the same time. The scent of blood stings into my nose but I’m sure as hell that there is nothing like it in my room.

 

       A knock came from my door and I decided to just sit there and not answer. It will be another miserable day for the life of Castiel Novak.

 

       And I can’t find it in me to care.

 


	9. 8. Questions of Science

 

~ Dean ~

 

 

           Before I could say a word, Sam was already on the phone, calling Charlie. And then not long after, Charlie replaced me from giving endless knocks on Cas’ door. It didn’t took long enough when he got out, looking so much of a mess anyone could ever be. And I know it has to do something with the news flash. He seemed to be fine after the awkward breakfast we had that morning but before the news flash about a New York motor racer named Balthazar Roche even ended, he went running to the door and locked himself up.

 

           I know. I know I shouldn’t feel the urge to comfort him or to even knock on his door and ask him what’s wrong. But when I saw his silhouette running towards his bedroom I couldn’t help myself but panicked.

 

           He went out of the room taking the cold brewed coffee on the machine without looking on anyone of us. Charlie -- who seemed to see a lot of this from Cas for the past years -- slumped on the couch in between me and Sam. We were quiet as we watch Cas move around the kitchen.

 

          “I hate you, Winchester.” Charlie mumbled, loud enough to be heard by us but quiet enough for Cas. She stood up immediately after that and made her way to Cas and hugged him tightly, Sam and I glanced at each other before turning to them. She might’ve mumbled something because when I turned I saw Cas nodding on the side of her neck then they released each other’s touch and Charlie head out -- no goodbye, no nothing. Sam and I tried our best to act less awkwardly as possible. But when it became too much for me, I left.

 

          I roamed around town, drove endless circles, wandered and familiarized the unfamiliar streets of Baltimore. I lost count on how many rounds I’ve turned until something caught my eye from the peripheral.

 

          I parked the Impala a few feet away from the Volkswagen Bug sitting in between a black Mustang and red Nissan. I took a moment and stared at the car before finally entering the bar.

 

          The owner wasn’t very hard to find. The red-headed girl sat at the bar, raising her index for another drink. I made my way through the crowd and sat beside her. She looked at me for a long time, eyes blinking slowly and it wasn’t hard for me to tell that she’s a few shots away from being done.

 

          She downed her glass and raised her index once more. The bartender obliged and looked at me, waiting for my order. “I’ll have a beer.” I plainly said, and it didn’t took a minute for it to come.

 

          We sat there, sharing the uncomfortable silence. Well, not that that it was totally silent since the party music was so loud my heart’s practically thudding in every beat. That made me wanna hunt the DJ and strangle him.

 

          “What do you want?” She asked, not bothering to look at me. I winced, hoping I could convince her with my ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ look.

 

          She wasn’t _that_ dumb, of course.

 

          “Don’t play games with me, Winchester.” She said, gulping another drink as if it was water. “You’ve been sitting there for hours and I’ll be damned if I did not know you kept looking at me every fraction of a minute.” Now this time, she looked at me before she said, “So it’d be better if you just spill.”

 

          “Impatient as always, aren’t we?”

 

          “Don’t get me started, Dean.” She said in her stern voice. “Our friendship ended the day you left Cas.” And I’ll be damned if I’d say that didn’t send me some sort of a pang in my chest.

 

          It took me a few minutes, internally debating with myself whether or not to ask her anything. Or if I should actually consider asking them _at all_. I have so many questions in mind, like ‘what happened to him’, ‘why was he like that’, ‘is it because of me’, ‘did someone else hurt him’, ‘can I kill that person’, ‘can I have him b -- ’…

 

          “There was never a day Cas had stopped having those kinds of panic attacks.” She said, dragging me out of my own thoughts. I didn’t know when the crying but when I turned to her after downing my beer and ordering another, tears have already rushed their way out. “He was devastated. God, he was -- ” She gulped as I stare at her.

 

          “That night, he called me. Told me everything. God knows how much I wanted to kill you, Dean. But he needs me, so I hit the road at 2am. 2-fucking-am, Dean. And when I got there, he was drinking. Drinking like his life depends on it.

 

          “I tried everything to comfort him, put him to bed and get him some shut eye. But he’s not Cas anymore. I knew him all my life but… but I never saw him like that. I saw how broken he was when his parents died, when Gabe left him, when no one from their relatives are willing to take care of him, but that -- ” Charlie shook her head. I blinked twice. From what Cas told me, his brother got married and that he didn’t want to be a burden so he decided to live alone.

 

          “Oh yeah, right.” She huffed. “You didn’t know that.” She let out a sarcastic laugh, if not disgusted. And if only I could just shrink, I would’ve probably turned to a size of a molecule right at that moment. “Cas didn’t want you to know that. He’s afraid of how you would react. That you might leave him after knowing his own brother turned his back on him. Turns out you’d do the same, only for a more stupid reason.”

 

          “Charlie, I -- ”

 

          “No, Dean! Don’t say you’re sorry ‘coz you’ll never be! You have no idea what he’d gone through! I almost lost him, Dean! I almost lost my only family!”

 

          “Charlie…”

 

          “You ask me why? Wanna ask me why I fucking loathed you, Dean?” She shook her head in disbelief. “You’re a douchebag, that’s why!” She gulped another series of her whiskey, wiping off her tears even more harshly. “I thought you were good for him. You made him smile so bright. You made him laugh -- real laugh that I haven’t heard for years and I only ask you one thing. _Just one_ … and you managed to fucking screw it up!”

 

          She sighed before drinking again, “And to think I rooted for you? For a guy _like_ _you_? God, how _ashamed_ I was of myself.” She spat with utter disgust.

 

          I don’t know what to say or act… hell, I don’t even know what to feel to be exact. I sighed, drinking my beer. It’s when you’ve been wanting to ask something so much… and when the answer was blown right in of your face? You just don’t know whether to be happy with the honesty or get hurt ‘coz of the friggin’ truth.

 

          “The day after your divorce has been approved, he’s gone missing. I looked for him everywhere. I know him so well I know he’ll do something stupid. He didn’t answer my calls so I tracked his phone instead. I found it in a motel, so I immediately went there. But when I came in the room, I found his phone on the trash bin.

 

          “It took us a couple of days before we found him. I rushed to the motel room and prepared myself for whatever happened. But I wasn’t prepared enough, though.

 

          “When I came inside, his lifeless body greeted me, soaked in spilled vodka and a bottle of antidepressants. I shook him so many times but he was just… he’s not moving.”

 

          My heart stopped beating as Charlie bit back a sob. I figured it would be bad. That it’ll wreck Cas. But for him to do that . . .

 

          “We rushed him to the hospital. The doctors were so close on announcing his time of death. But then his pulse start pacing. Though it was slower than how it should be, the doctors said it was a good start.

 

          “He spent two weeks in the hospital. My work just ended when I decided to visit him, but he was gone again. Days passed, weeks, months -- but there was no sign of him. Not even a shadow. I haven’t known what happened then. I end up hiring ten private investigators and they all gave up and said it was impossible for him to be found. And I spent the next 10 years of my life doing nothing but to look for him. And then one day, he called me, saying he’s going home and asked me to pick him up.”

 

          A smile was suddenly placed on her lips despite all the tears in her face.

 

          “I just got him back, Dean. You know what I’m saying? It’s been only what, five years since he came home to me? And I’d give anything -- _everything_ \-- to keep him beside me. So, I’m sorry if I was treating you like shit but -- ”

 

          “I understand.” I assured her, regardless if there is a need for it or none. “You don’t have to be sorry about anything. I understand.”

 

          A breath that I never knew I was holding escaped my mouth. “I know I don’t deserve to ask you this,” How am I supposed to say this? Should I even say this? Cas’ life was ruined because of me. He was doing great with his life until I ruined everything. I don’t deserve him. I don’t --

 

          “You want him back.” Charlie mumbled. It wasn’t a question but I nodded as a reply.

 

          “I know I shouldn’t even -- ”

 

          “Yes, you should not.”

 

          I sighed in defeat, looking down on my beer. I’m not going to ruin his life again. We’re not even doing well in the friend’s section even we live in one roof so there’s probably no chance we could be together again.

 

          “He still loves you.” She whispered and I almost missed it. I shot my head up looking at her, her eyes looking down across the bar. “He never stopped loving you. One of his panic attacks is whenever he was reminded of you.”

 

          “One?” Confusion must be heard all over my voice that’s why she look at me. She sighed, “This isn’t really my story to tell but I guess I already told you so much to keep this one.” She said, downing another glass. And right there, I realized -- the Feds should use the alcohol in their interrogations. For it makes anyone talk, even if it wasn’t their lives they’re talking about anymore.

 

          “I don’t know exactly what happened in those 10 years he wasn’t with me. And he doesn’t want to talk about it either, despite how many times I asked. But I know a thing or two -- though I hardly believe it actually makes up the whole story.

 

          “He was out there alone for five years until he met this guy. Goes by the name Balthazar Roche. He didn’t describe him much but I know somehow, the guy helped him get better.

 

          So that was the reason why Cas reacted that way during the news flash.

 

          “They were together for like three years until the guy decided to kneel down on one knee and asked his hand for marriage. I know it’s not because he wasn’t ready -- like what he said -- that’s why he declined. I know it’s you. I know it’s because he still loves you.

 

          “The guy didn’t take his ‘no’ that easy. They broke up and a few months later, Balthazar’s brother came to Cas and asked him to come over. Cas said he doesn’t have anything to do with Balthazar anymore but the guy begged him. Practically knelt on his knees just for Cas to see his brother. But he firmly said ‘no’.

 

          “Not long after, that guy dragged Cas out of wherever he was working that time and took him to their house. The guy -- Balthazar -- was there, dead. He hanged himself in their living room and his brother wanted Cas to see what he did to his little brother.

 

          “I don’t know what else happened but I know revenge was the reason why Michael kept bothering Cas despite all these years.”

 

          “So… you think…”

 

          “I don’t think, Dean. I know it was Michael who ripped his throat out on that alley.”

 

          “Then why aren’t we suing the guy?”

 

          She laughed -- really laughed. “Why aren’t we…” She continued laughing as she shook her head. “That guy was a millionaire, Dean. You think he couldn’t just pay off the judge to come up with a verdict favorable to him?”

 

          My jaw dropped. Millionaire? I didn’t know Roches are…

 

          “His name’s Collins.” She said, as if reading my mind. “Michael Collins.”

 

          I knew I heard that name somewhere... “Collins? As in billion dollar guy, lost-now-found-heir Collins?”

 

          “Yes.” She scoffed, drinking another glass of vodka. “Turns out their mother were a whore and ended up having three sons with three different fathers.”

 

          “Three? Who’s the other one? Is he after Cas, too?”

 

          “Don’t know, don’t care.” She mumbled, her eyes blinking sleepily. “As much as I know, he’s too MIA to give a fuck on whatever the hell it is that’s happening with his brothers.”

 

          Charlie stood and swayed and could’ve fallen if I wasn’t fast enough to catch her. I was able to drop her off her house -- thanks to her very detailed instructions that made my eyes roll -- and tucked her in the bed before driving back to the bar, taking a few more shots.

 

          After feeling I’ve had enough, I drove back home. I stopped on the door as I heard Sam and Cas’ voice talking in the living area. Cas seem to be telling Sam whatever Charlie had told me. I was just about to enter when I heard something different from Charlie’s version.

 

          “Charlie didn’t know this,” Cas said. “And I was hoping you’ll never tell anyone.”

 

          “Of course, Cas.” I stood by the window and saw Sam pat his back. “You can trust me.”

 

          “Not even to Dean?”

 

          “That’s what I thought.”

 

          Cas smiled faintly, “Few weeks after Balthazar’s funeral, Michael came to the bar I was in and beat the shit out of me.”

 

          That Michael’s gonna pay real soon, I _swear_.

 

          “He walked off and I thought it was done so I got inside my car and drove with bleeding nose and cuts. It was quiet out there on the road ‘til something hit me. And I swear that hit reminded me of when Bobby and I…” He trailed off. I froze to where I stood. All those years I got mad at him for whatever happened to Bobby… and yet, it was Alistair. Fucking Alistair.

 

          “I looked out of my window and it was Michael. He kept hitting me and my car swerved so hard I hit the tree on the side of the road. I didn’t know how long I was out but when I woke up, I was already in the hospital.

 

          “Took me almost a month to recover and get out of the hospital and a month to fix myself. After that I called Charlie. And that’s how I ended up here.”

 

          Silence came over the two of them and I felt my weight dragged me down on the floor and surrendered, resting my head on the wall next to the door. I felt so drunk though I don’t remembering drinking more than 10 shots. All I know is I feel like shit right now and maybe, I was too drunk to count how many shots came after ten.

 

          I closed my eyes and to my surprise, I woke up in my bed the next day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you're liking what you see in here. let me know if im shitty or not please.  
> feedbacks are really, really needed on this one.  
> it really keeps someone going.


	10. 9. Fall Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this chapter was late and short.  
> i hate myself more than you do but i was hoping you'll like this.  
> looking forward for your comments and kudos.  
> thank you! and oh, i love you my beloved readers.

~ Cas ~

 

 

       I didn’t know when it started. Or how it started.

 

       All I know is that here I am, sitting in the seat next to the couch the Winchesters have taken, watching them bicker at each other. And the funny part?

 

       I was laughing at Dean’s stupid jokes. Not that they aren’t funny but… I don’t use to laugh at them before when they came. Mostly I laugh because Sam’s laugh was contagious but the rest?

 

       I just had no fucking idea what happened to me.

 

       I feel better now, though. No anger or hatred or -- or -- I don’t know I just… don’t feel anything anymore. For the first time in my life, I felt content. Happy. Like life was now looking up at me. And as my eyes locked unto Dean’s and he gave me a small smile -- _fuck it_. I know I was done. _Again_.

 

       Earth be damned.

 

       “…Y’a think that’s okay, Cas?”

 

       _Oh my God_. I stared at Sam’s expectant eyes as I try to remember what he was asking? Dammit, what is that? What is --

 

       “You’re out again.” Sam said as his eyes fell into that famous puppy eyes. And I’ll be damned if I’d say I didn’t felt guilty by it.

 

       “I’m sorry. It’s just…”

 

       Oh yeah, that’s great, Cas. Look for an excuse other than you, thinking how Dean’s eyes are so fucking green.

 

       Wait, what? Is that what I’m thinking about awhile back? Am I really…? Oh, fuck no. That can’t be. That can’t --

 

       “That’s okay, Cas.” Sam gave me a small smile which I happily returned as to show my gratitude to him, saving me from my oh-so-very-confusing thoughts and internal battle. “So, what I was saying is that I’ll be out tomorrow and may or may not be able to come home.”

 

       Oh, no.

 

       _I may or may not be able to come home._

 

       That’s all it took and Sam got my full attention.

 

       “Oh…” That’s my take away. Yup, I’mma genius. “Why? What’s so special tomorrow?”

 

       “Well, my co-worker will be throwing a party and he wants me to come. And -- ”

 

       “And there’s a girl in their office that Sam’s been head-over-heels about and he can’t afford to miss the chance to fuck her into the mattress.” Dean suddenly butt in with a grin and I swear that the bitch face Sam had given him was way much worse than anything I’ve ever seen before.

 

       I couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped me and when Dean looked at me, grinning like a fool -- so help me God, it really warmed my heart.

 

       _Oh, no. Castiel, don’t go down that road. Do_ not _go down that road. I swear, Castiel, do not --_

 

       And before my brain could thoroughly work, I found myself smiling warmly at Dean and it felt like forever before Sam cleared his throat and the spell between us broke.

 

       _Oh, God._ I thought. _It’s happening again._

 

       I’m. So. Fucking. _Screwed_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title was song of Robin Thicke


	11. 10. Get Him Back

 

~ Dean ~

 

 

          _Tonight is_ the _night._ I thought to myself.

          I’ve been _literally_ waiting _desperately_ for this night to come where I get to be with Cas. _Alone_. In the house. Just the two of us.

          The thought made my heart raced against my mind though they seemed pretty coordinated with the thoughts those two organs are anticipating for this night.

 

          Feeling slightly giddy, I went straight to the grocery to buy everything I’ll need to cook Cas’ favorite. And to say it was my lucky day was gonna be an understatement. Today, Benny set me off early because he and Andrea were having some anniversary celebration so the bar is practically closed. Then the road down the grocery store had no inconvenience, at all. There weren’t long lines and I enjoyed the shopping (no else has to know about that, seriously). And for the fun part?

 

          Cas will be out late than his usual schedule. Which means I get to have all the time I need to prepare the most wonderful dinner I bet he did missed.

 

          But then again, the thought was accompanied by a sudden lump on my throat. What if he didn’t miss this kind of dinner? What if he didn’t miss the way I cook for him?

 

          And so panic arises from me because of all the fucking _what if’s_ going on in my mind. Then a small voice at the back of my mind whispered, and I swore it sounded like Charlie from way back dead long years ago.

 

          _What if you just let yourself be happy?_

          Yeah, scratch that.

 

          _What if you just let things fall into their proper places and let them do their thing?_

 

          That’s the exact lines she told me when Cas and I had went on a date for the first time.

 

          _What if you just let yourself be you, then open your eyes wide and watch how he falls for you head-over-heels over and over again?_

 

          I really hope that’s gonna happen tonight.

 

          _Watch him, how he looked at you, and you’ll know you did so much things to him without your trying._

 

          And as I stood in the counter, waiting for my turn, I remembered how Cas looked at me last night. And God, did I miss the way he looks at me like that. It was filled with warmth and love and adoration that no one has ever shown in my fucking life -- Sammy doesn’t count, of course.

 

         _I love him._ I thought. _This night is for him so get your shit together, Winchester, and don’t fucked this up!_

 

          And that’s exactly what I did as I went back home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so another short chapter.. I know I'm horrible. I don't feel sorry though *blocks myself from anticipated flying stones and eggs*
> 
> alright, alright, calm down.  
> just wanted to say...
> 
> thankyousomuchforthe181readswhichmademefeellovedandfuelsmetowritefaster  
> becauseifeelyouguysarereallyenjoyingthisandi'msohappythatyouare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> *breathes heavily and wipes tears*
> 
> thank you, thank you, it means so much to me no kidding. i love you readers.
> 
>  
> 
> NB: song title is originally Get Her Back by Robin Thicke


	12. 11. Please Don't Say You Love Me

 

~ Cas ~

 

 

       I didn’t expect any of this.

       I walked up right in the front door smelling the scent of a very appealing chicken alfredo and when I went to the kitchen, there was Dean -- setting the table.

 

       And that’s basically how I ended up here -- finishing my third? fourth? bowl of chicken alfredo and apple kale salad.

 

       “What’s the occasion?” I asked, sipping my glass of water. “As far as I remember, your birthday is in January and it’s still in the middle of September so I don’t see the need for you to cook this much.”

 

       Dean shrugged, “I just felt an itch.” is all he said.

 

       _Itch_. Right.

 

       Dean always referred his sudden urge for cooking meals as _itch_. “You sounded like a maniac when you say that.” I thought out loud.

 

       He stared at me for a moment -- expressionless -- and I was about to take back the comment when he chuckled. He must’ve noticed the panic in my reaction and he said nothing but, “That’s the exact same thing you said before.” with a fond smile on his face.

 

       The smile that was filled with love and care and adoration. One of my favorites. One that I truly missed.

 

       _Fuck you, Cas! It’s just a smile!_ I mentally kicked myself. _For all you know it was his most normal smile. Stop giving meaning to it, you presumptuous ass!_

 

       I must’ve zoned out a bit because of my internal debate that when I looked back at the table it was already cleared and sitting in front of me were two bottles of beer.

 

       “I hope you don’t mind.” Dean said, opening the bottle all by his hand. A feat that up until now I’ve never been able to do. “I kinda miss drinking with someone.” He said, smiling warmly again and I did my damnest to ignore the flutter in my stomach.

 

       _Sam’s not around. That’s why he’s no other choice but_ you.

 

       I took the beer and gulp it, trying to forget all the screaming in my head that drinking with him was a very, _very_ bad idea. And as I downed my beer, I found him staring at me so intently it almost took my breath away just the sight of the intensity in his green eyes. He drank his own bottle, green eyes never leaving mine as he do so and if he noticed how hard I swallowed -- I’m glad he didn’t made a comment about it.

 

       Time seem to pass in a blur. First, it was just a handful of beers in the table -- 5, 6, maybe -- now they are ranging in 10 or 15 or -- I don’t know. And I couldn’t even remember how much of it was mine and how much were Dean’s. Yeah, I know. Drinking with my ex was one helluva great idea. Yeah, yeah -- sue me!

 

       I don’t really understand what we’re talking about right now. At first, it was a simple “do you remember’s” -- now, though, I don’t have a frigging idea. It must be the alcohol, my brain’s not working anymore. All I know is that I sit close to Dean as he said something that made me laugh. Wait. How did I end up sitting _this_ close to him? He’s in front of me last time I check. Why’s he next to me now?

 

       _Fuck._

 

       All my anxiety was drained now and I don’t even care if Dean and I were so fucking close our arms or knees or thighs or legs kept fucking brushing at each other. I mean, so what? Duh, it’s not like we’d end up making out or something.

 

       Wait. Where the fuck did that come from?

 

       The bottles on the table all seemed to be emptied so I tried to stand -- I really fucking tried -- to get a beer. But then, the world began to spin by my swift movement and I fell. Really, I was falling, reaching the ground.

 

       _What’s taking it so long?_

 

       I looked at the ground and I’m still standing, knees bent a little. Then I discovered how the fuck I’m still standing. An arm was on the small of my back, a hand on my elbow and a chest pressed against mine. I looked up and found green eyes and freckles greeting me. “Are you alright?” He asked and I don’t know if I responded to that or not.

 

       We stayed like that for what felt like eternity until lips crashed on mine. I was stunned, unable to move for seconds, then my body reacted naturally against the mouth that was assaulting mine.

 

       I don’t know how it happened but the next thing I knew he was shirtless and I was sitting on the table, legs spread wide as he fill up the space in between them. I felt hands under my shirt and if that didn’t caused the heat pooling straight down the south -- I don’t know what else could do that.

 

       He pulled me closer -- like we’re not already at our closest -- and cupped my ass as my legs wrapped around his hips. I felt bouncing and moving but I haven’t had the time to give a fuck when this sinful tongue just kept finding a chance to collide against mine. Then, I felt us fell on something soft -- bed -- and I let him take -- practically ripped -- my shirt off of me. His kisses lowered down, from my lips to my jaw to my neck where he bit and sucked and licked and worshipped. I let my hands meander around his back and hips and chest, feeling the hard, chiseled muscles there. This man really does a good work ‘coz all I can feel is hardness and hardness alone.

 

       He began writhing his hips against mine as he lowered down his sucking to my collarbone. He kept pounding and pounding and I was so close on voicing out my pleas for him to just _fuck_ _me_.

 

       “I miss you.” I heard a voice says as lips nipped and licked my earlobe. “God, I missed you so much, Cas.” The voice said again and I can’t remember to whom it belong and why it sounded so familiar. So damn familiar my heart aches and swells all at the same time. “I love you.” And my breath hitched as he began to palm my erection. “Not… a single day… gone by… that I’ve stopped… thinking… about you…” The voice struggled in between kisses. And when I found those sinful lips, I bit them hard I wouldn’t be surprised if they bled. I groaned and moaned with every touch  and kiss he does. It felt so good feeling this kind of emotion again. It’s been such a long time when I felt this. Fifteen fucking years long. The familiar feeling of equal amount of love, passion, warmth, adoration and gentleness I used to feel towards that one person I fell hard with.

 

       And up until now, I’m still falling.

 

       “I love you.” There comes the voice again. “God, I love you so fucking much, Cas.” He said as he sucked the joint where my neck and shoulder meet. If hickeys did not form tomorrow by that, I’ll consider it my lucky day.

 

       I felt fingers unzipping my jeans and just like that, I snapped back to reality. The man above me must’ve felt my uneasiness because he immediately raised his head from where they nuzzling against my neck and looked at me straight in the eye. He gave me a small smile and when he was about to dip again for another kiss, I pushed him gently away.

 

       “Stop.” That’s all I managed to say before sitting up. I rest my temple on my palms and scrubbed my face. I stood up and before I could storm out, a hand held my wrist tight.

 

       “Wait, Cas -- ”

 

       “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to. The alcohol -- ”

 

       “Stop.” He said sternly. “Stop.” He repeated. “Don’t you dare say it was the fucking alcohol, Cas. You and I know much better than that!” He yelled. And for a moment, I was tempted to yell back. Like, _how the fuck would you know it wasn’t? do you have any fucking proof?_

But that only kept my mouth shut.

 

       For deep down I know he was right. We both know better than using that God forsaken excuse. It’s pathetic. It’s lame. And it’s all I could come up with ‘coz my brain’s still fuzzy with the alcohol and I couldn’t think straight.

 

       Dean reached for my hands and I internally debated whether or not flinched away but I was too late because he already have them -- pulling them close to his lips and kissed my knuckles.

 

       And I’ll be damned if I say it didn’t made my insides flutter.

 

       “I love you, Cas.” He said, so soft it almost became a whisper. So soft that I almost missed it and I wished I did because that might’ve been easier than to fight the urge to answer it back. “And I know you still love me.” He continued and my mind was screaming an endless 'no' at him.

 

       “I felt it when we kissed. I felt it when we touched. I felt it when you leaned in to my touch and I felt it with how you looked at me last night.”

 

       God, he noticed…

 

       “Please. Give me a second chance. Please, Cas. I know I don’t deserve it but please… I’m more than willing and ready to spend the rest of my life making it up with you. With all my mistakes.”

 

       Tears streamed down his face and I couldn’t decide which of us was more broken by that.

 

       “Please… Cas, just this once. I know I wasted all your time before but please… let me prove to you that I’m worth it. That _we’re_ worth it. Please, Cas.”

 

       I felt my own tears threatening to come out and I took my hand and turned my back on him, only to feel his arms wrapped around me tight. I tried to wriggle free and he started sobbing and chanting “Please. Please. Please.” It took a couple of moments before I finally broke free with his touch. I turned back to face him, my speech already practiced. Words that I always played in my mind that I would tell him when this day came.

 

       But how could I ever have the courage to say it? When he was down to both knees and literally begging for my second chance?

 

       My mouth kept shut despite the words that were screaming in my head, demanding to be spoken. He wrapped his arms around my leg crying and I just stood there, dumbfounded. And when I looked down to find him looking right back at me -- a pained expression in his eyes -- I finally had the courage to say it. Not the practiced one, but the truth.

 

       “I can’t, Dean.” I mumbled to myself. “I’m sorry but… I can’t.” And just like that I ran towards my own room.

 

       Leaving Dean’s room and the memory of his red, tearing eyes behind.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew! that was kinda long.  
> so what do you think? huh? huh? thoughts? my, pray do tell my most beloved readers :)
> 
>  
> 
> NB: title is song sang by gabrielle aplin


	13. 12. Worth It

 

~ Dean ~

 

 

           Sam Winchester is the brother I never wanted to have.

 

           I pretty much realized that when he suddenly bursted out “So,” as he sat in the bar stool and leaned his elbow on the counter, watching me put the cheese and bacon in the homemade burger I’m about to finish. “Are we gonna talk about it or not?”

 

           Of-fucking-course. Sam’s a genius and Cas’ not-so-subtle avoidance these past few days was really something that my super-duper-mega-fucking-nosy brother could never not catch on. Great.

 

           “Or not.” I growled as I pass him his burger.

 

           “Oh, c’mon, Dean. You and Cas ain’t talkin’ these days. That sure got some stories behind.”

 

           I glared daggers on him this time, “Why the hell are you insisting that something happened? And so what if we’re not talkin’? Hell, Cas and I ain’t exactly buddies since we moved here.”

 

           “Really, Dean?” He huffed and I pointedly looked at him, not bothering to hide my annoyance. “You guys practically got heart eyes before that night happened.”

 

           “We don’t have heart eyes.” I growled in frustration.

 

           He scoffed, “Says the guy who looked at his ex like he hanged the stars in the sky.”

 

           I raised my chin up and straightened my body while the little fucker flashed an annoying grin. I turned my back and grabbed beer from the fridge.

 

           “C’mon, man,” Sam whined, like a kid asking his mom to buy him a toy and kept getting a ‘no’ for an answer. “I didn’t sacrifice Cas’ most comfortable sofa bed for some shitty motel room.”

 

           I looked at him and grinned as realization dawned on me. I took a sip of my drink and amusingly said, “I knew it.”

 

           Sam looked at me and rolled his eyes. “Look, the party _was_ real. Can’t say the same for the overnight thing, though.”

 

           “Why’d you do such thing, Sammy?”

 

           “Dean, I know how much you wanted to work on improving your relationship with him more. And I know you couldn’t do that with a cockblocker.”

 

           I snorted because -- _what the hell_? Sam Winchester just admitted that he was a damn cockblock. _The_ Sam Winchester _admitted_ he was a cockblock. Huh, no one would’ve ever seen the day.

 

           “Yeah, well, don’t get too happy with what I said, jerk.”

 

           “Bitch.”

 

           Sam huffed and continued, “So as I was saying, I did that so you could get your sorry ass some time alone with him.” He drinks his own beer. “So, at least, show me some gratitude by telling me how it went.”

 

           I sighed. Things like this -- you could never get away from Sam Winchester. Not now, not ever.

 

           With one more sigh of defeat, I told him how the night went. How it started off nice, then great, then fucking messed up in just a matter of seconds. How I thought we were finally picking up where we left off then found myself kneeling on the floor near the bed -- alone, desperate and soaked in my goddamn tears and sweat as I wept like my life depends on it.

 

           Okay, so, maybe I kinda eliminated the weeping part but, damn! Can you blame me? I’m Dean-fucking-Winchester and I don’t weep. No Winchester _ever_ weeps. Not even cries. And if I did, no one besides me and Cas has to know. No one, especially, one registered under the name Sam Winchester.

 

           We shared some uncomfortable silence. I can see through Sam’s expression that he was contemplating over the series of events that I narrated. He cleared his throat and raised his head up, “Well,” He began, “I don’t know to you, Dean, but whatever Cas said was hardly a rejection.”

 

           I looked back at him and met him in the eyes. For a moment, I was lost for words, weighing what he just said. Come to think of it, Sammy might be right. He never said ‘I don’t want you anymore, Dean’, what he said is ‘I can’t, Dean. I’m sorry but I can’t.’

 

           Could it be that he was just not yet ready to accept me again? Not yet ready to forgive me? Is it possible that we actually have a chance once he’s finally healed and was able to trust me again?

 

           “I’d say it’s worth the shot, Dean.” I looked up at Sam -- not realizing I lowered down my gaze -- with a surprise expression. Is my brother a friggin’ psychic and has never told me? Or am I thinking out loud again?

 

           “Look, Dean, I know you still love the guy. And hell, that guy loves you, too. More than anything, if your constant eyefucking and unnerving sexual tension or your sappy looks at each other when the other isn’t looking was anything to go by.” Sam rolled his eyes and I was conflicted on whether take him seriously or strangle him on the floor. “So, I’d say continue persuading the guy. Be patient with him. I mean, you’ve been hurt, too, Dean, I know that. I’ve witnessed that. But Cas was pretty much broken even before the divorce was filed. Give him time and space but at the same time, show him you’re not the same asshole that left him fifteen years ago.”

 

           “You know what, Sammy? If I wasn’t busy thinking about what you said, I would’ve probably punched you in the gut for calling me a sap and an asshole in one speech.”

 

           And the little big fucker just grinned again saying, “Does it hurt?” before standing up. I just sat there and before he left the kitchen, he called my name and said, “Admit it. You’re definitely both.” Then grinned again and head outside.

 

           So, yeah. Sam-fucking-Winchester is the brother I never wanted to have.

 

           But I guess never would’ve wanted it any other way.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i originally wrote 3 chapters apparently the other two will come after a chapter or two after this.  
> let me know what you think! and send this fic the love you think it deserves.


	14. 13. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so remember when i said it's gonna be one or two more chapters before their past? well, i lied. yeah, i do that. anyways, im trying my best-est here to come up with an almost neutral dual-pov of their past but it's just so fucking hard so yeah please be patient with me. and if this isnt as good as it was before let me know. your reviews are important.

 

~ Dean ~

 

 

       Time flew so fast.

 

       A month after the said incident didn't do any good between my relationship with Cas -- if you can actually call it _that._ And though things have been rough around those days, Cas and I somehow made it bearable.

 

       The only interaction we make was whenever Sammy was around, and boy if that opportunity always happens. The rest was just silence. Hell, if I'm being honest, I'd say a month had passed in a blur. Cas and I never talked despite my best fucking efforts to initiate a conversation. And yes, I deserve a fucking medal, trophy or whatever the hell it is you should give for my efforts. But looking back to all I've done to Cas, this was just nothing. Atleast he just kept his distance, not actually made me feel like I don't exist.

 

       But today is the day this is all gonna change.

 

       It's September. The first day of Sep-fucking-tember. You know what that means? That means 17 days to go and it'll be Cas' birthday.

 

       I woke up with a seemingly plastered smile on my face as I realized the date. Immediately, I took the marker and placed an _x_ on September 1 on my calendar. This is when the countdown starts. The countdown for something big I planned week after my confrontation with Cas. So, yeah, Cas could think I already gave up on him all he want but boy if Dean Winchester ever give up.

 

       Dean Winchester _never_ give up.

 

       He should know this.

 

       We've been together for _years_.

 

       And I'm one helluva great when it comes to the wooing department.

 

       I went downstairs feeling giddy as I made breakfast. And I may or may not be too giddy for Sam to raise his fucking eyebrow so high it surprised me it didn't reached the sky just yet. I looked at him and grinned as I placed a pancake in his plate. He lowered his head smiling then shook it.

 

       Suddenly, footsteps filled the remaining silence and just when I was about to call Cas out about breakfast being ready, I heard the front door shut. I frowned and I was just about to brush it off when I heard Sam say, "Stop pouting, Dean."  I glared deathly at the little big bastard because no, there was no way I pouted. It was a frown, not pout. Because I am Dean Winchester and Dean Winchester doesn't -- _never_ \-- pout, thank you very much.

 

       I was just about ready to lecture Sam about the difference between a fucking pout and frown when he spoke right after I opened my mouth.

 

       "So what's the plan?" He asked. I furrowed my eyebrows at him as if I don't have any idea what he's talking about.

 

       Luckily, he bought it.

 

       "C'mon, Dean. It's been a month since your little chick-flick moment with Cas happened. Man, you're supposed to be doing something by now." I glared at how he mocked me when he said 'chick-flick moment'. He can make it subtle all he want but I'm smart enough to know when I'm being mocked so _fuck you, Samantha._

 

       "Unless...." He muttered, but prolonged the 's'-part. "You gave up on him already?"

 

       And yeah, to some it'll sound questioning. Hell, Sammy may even think he _is_ questioning, too. But I have had heard that tone as if he was actually stating something rather than questioning. Like the way lawyers do when questioning their witnesses.

 

       "Yeah, no, not happening." I replied, turning my back to put the dishes into the sink.

 

       "So, you're up to something?"

 

       Sam should really stop using that tone. It was annoying and I don't want him to mess around with my plans because, hey, I'm a big boy now and I can handle my own all right.

 

       Apparently, that brief moment of silence hinted Sam that I am, indeed, planning something.

 

       "So, you _are_ up to something."

 

       And I didn't have to turn to know the bastard is plastering his smug grin on me.

 

       Seconds after the silence I gave Sam, he took the hint and scampered towards the bedroom, huffing a phrase that sounds like, "Stupid older brothers." And I would love to call him out for that but my eyes swept on the sofa and saw Cas had left his wallet. Without second thoughts, I ran outside the house and drove to his workplace.

 

       The restaurant was already open and Cas is not really hard to find. He glanced on my direction and as soon as the fact that I am walking towards him sank in, his eyes grew wide. He tried to compose himself for the few seconds left before I finally stopped right in front of him.

 

       "Dean." He called. The struggle to contain the panic and a very subtle hint of surprise -- the unwanted kind, by-the-way -- in his tone was as clear as bell in my ear.

 

       This is Cas, after all. I know him from head-to-foot just as much as I know Sammy.

 

       "What're you doing here?" He finally asked. I fished his wallet out of my back pocket, handing it out to him, "You left this."

 

       "Oh." was all he had said and suddenly, I contemplated whether the wallet was really left behind by accident or on purpose.

 

       "You.... left it on purpose, did you?"

 

       Cas' eyes immediately flew on mine, panic becoming clearer and clearer on his expression.

 

       "I -- yes, I did." He said, nervously. "I -- A friend said he'll drop me off then pick me up to and from work so...."

 

       Huh. Well, that explains that.

 

       I was just about to compliment his "friend" when a man behind him called out. He half-jogged and half-walked towards us. He was tall, hair fixed in a very business-like manner, not to mention the monkey suit and the briefcase. It wasn't the attire, though, that got my attention. There was something about this guy that makes me feel like we've already met somewhere. I just couldn't quiet put a finger on it.

 

       I was just about to brush it off and leave when the man -- who did not stopped smiling at Cas like a goddamn teenage girl seeing her crush, so much to my annoyance -- turned to me and smiled, "Dean." He said.

 

       Now I am certain we've already met but I'll be damned if I can't remember who this is. Now.

 

       "You may not recognize me anymore, I'm Dick." I grimaced at the name because boy, what a name to start my day. "Dick Roman. Remember? Back in middle school?"

 

       "Dick Roman? As in Richard 'Dick' Roman? The snotty kid who cries the whole day after getting beaten up by bullies?"

 

       As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I immediately wished I could take them back. Especially with how Cas was glaring at me right now -- yeah, I'll definitely do anything to take it back.

 

       "Sorry." I smiled sheepishly. Roman shrugged, "It's cool, dude, things changed now. Besides, if being snotty is the only way to get fame, I would definitely pay no mind." He laughed, desparately trying to lighten up the mood. Cas visibly relaxed from where he squared his shoulders and that's the only time I let out the breath I never thought I was holding.

 

       Turns out Roman was the "friend" that'll play chaffeur for Cas for the next days. He's staying for business and he doesn't know when he's gonna leave, much to my dismay. I very well know Roman and his not-so-subtle feelings with Cas. I may or may not be jealous with the way Cas treated him during middle school which actually triggered me to "come out" to the family since I couldn't let one more day pass seeing just how this kid hugs Cas like he was holding on for dear life.

 

       And much excitement to add on this little circus this morning is the fact that Roman had no fucking idea Cas and I got married and divorced. As in none -- none _at all_. He knew we used to be together, because who the hell doesn't know who hooked up with who during middle school? But that's all he know. And in the way Cas steer the conversation away from our past, it seems like he likes to keep it that way. And it just made me want to slam my head in a wall until I've reached heaven.

 

       Or hell, I don't really care as long as I don't have to witness the way Roman _looks_ at Cas and the fact that Cas was just _letting him_. And I feel like a goddamn third wheel cock-blocking something.

 

       And, yeah, maybe I let myself pout for the rest of the drive to work and maybe Benny had noticed something and had asked why I was sulking but my scowling face had definitely gave him the hint to let me fucking be.

 

       And maybe -- just maybe -- it was the incident that morning that had me drinking way too many bottles of whiskey later that night.

 

       But, hey, I may be drunk right now, but its clear as the sky that I wouldn't give Cas up without a fucking fight.

 

       Roman should be prepared. For it will _never_ be pretty.

 


	15. 14. That Should Be Me

 

~ Dean ~

 

 

       "What the hell, Dean!?" Samantha exclaimed.

_What a way to start my day._

 

       "Good morning to you, too, Sammy."

 

       "What the hell is wrong with you? First thing yesterday morning, you were grinning like an idiot -- giddy about something only God knows what -- then you come home 2am in the morning, too drunk for your own good, banging the door so loud you might as well have woken up the whole neighborhood." Sam yelled with wild hand gestures. "If I didn't know any better, I'll think you came back to hormonal stage with the way you change mood so fast."

 

       Along his speech, I've manage to sit up and covered my face with my palms because boy, hangovers never stopped being a bitch.

 

       "If I wasn't there when you treated Cas like shit, I would've beaten up the guy by now for doing this to you."

 

       Now _that_ was just foul.

 

       I stood up in a swift movement and went straight to Sam. Judging on the look on his face, he already knew well what was coming down. I took a handful of his shirt and pushed him against the wall so hard it thud.

 

       Yeah, maybe he was a goddamn moose but I'm strong enough to put him into place.

 

       "Don't you dare fucking say that." I said, anger rushing out my mouth. "Don't even think about it, Sam, and if I hear you saying that again, get ready to fucking run."

 

       I don't care if I'm being harsh. No one is allowed to fucking threaten Cas. And when I say no one, I mean _no one._

 

       I didn't hear the door opened, I just knew Cas was there when he asked, "What's going on here?" I looked at him, his eyes were demanding for explanation but I dismissed it in favor for turning back to Sam and glaring at him before I made my way to take a shower.

 

 

**×××**

 

 

       So the battle for Cas began. And Roman was winning so many goddamn points by playing Cas' driver. And what's even worse is that the guy _fucking_ smiles smugly whenever he saw me looking at the window as he pick up Cas -- which happens always by-the-way since it became a hobby of mine after the first day he picked up Cas. Not that I'll ever admit it out loud.

 

       And I suddenly chose the couch on the living room as my permanent sleeping quarter for the meantime -- much to Sam's pleasure because he said, and I quote, "I would finally know the feeling of having a bed all to myself." The bastard.

 

       Because of that, I witness every goddamn time how Roman hops out of his car to open Cas' door. How Cas smiles shyly upon Roman doing so. How Roman brushes his cheek -- or his lips, _that sonuvabitch!_ \-- against Cas' cheek. And you know what's worst? How Cas smiles at Roman before he jogged towards our front door.

 

       It hurts. It _fucking_ hurts.

 

       And I can't help but to envy the fucking guy more than I'd ever liked to admit because that used to be me. I used to be the guy Cas was flashing that sweet, shy smile at. I used to be the guy who opens the door for him -- whether of a restaurant or of a car. I used to be the guy that brushes my cheek or kisses Cas' cheeks. I used to be the guy Cas had always been with.

 

       And, yeah, the long list of 'I used to be' goes on. And as much as I don't wanna sound like a weakling, it tears me apart to see Cas happy with someone else. Because it only slaps me the truth on how fucking little -- if not none -- my chances in getting back to Cas' good graces are.

 

       And it hurts. It hurts so much I wanna scream and shout and lash out. It makes me want to throw things and drive so blindly in alcohol Baby and me would hit a tree and just the thought of that makes me shiver because I don't care one bit if Baby got wreck when that happens as long as I'm dead enough not to feel pain.

 

       And as Cas enter the door and lock it softly and as I pretended I was asleep until he gets inside his room -- I wished I was dead.

 

       Because nothing hurts more than seeing the one you love in the arms of someone else.

 

       And I just can't sit around, watching _my_ whole world being taken away from me.

 

 


	16. 15. Poker Face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'm back! I am back. Man, this feels good.
> 
> Allow me to express my deepest gratitude to all of you beautiful people of ao3 for taking the time to comment and give kudos. Like what I always say, you just can't imagine how happy it makes me reading your feedbacks and seeing your enthusiasm in this fic. Special thanks to 191virgosag and John whose comments became my muse to write the following chapters. It really moved me seeing how invested you are in this story. And since I am making it up to all of you, I have here 4 fresh chapters. Yes, 4, that's how much you inspired me guys. Though, I apologize if I cannot write any more coz I'm still getting my head out of the gutter but rest assure that I'll write as soon as I can. I will never leave you my beloved readers, you and I will be together 'til we finally hit the end of the road. I promise you that.
> 
> And now, without further ado, I give you chapter 15. Enjoy!

~ Cas ~

 

          An arm and the question “Are you dating Roman?” took me by surprise as I was clearing the used booth no. 22. If it was other people, someone I know but not close to me, I would’ve told them to fuck off or better yet, I would’ve just walked away.

 

          But it was not other people. It was Charlie.

 

          “Well,” I started, looking for words that were much appropriate than the term she used. “Not exactly dating, per se. More like, hanging out.”

 

          I never knew when, but Charlie managed to master the art of bitchfacing. “Really? Hanging out? What are we, 11?”

 

          I rolled my eyes and walked off to the next booth that has to be cleared.

 

          “Hey, you’re not getting away from this, Mister.”

 

          “Charlie,” I called, dropping the washcloth I’ve had in hand. “what do you want me to say? Huh? That we’re dating? Fine, we’re dating. Happy now?”

 

          “Cas, no. You can’t date Roman. He’s bad news.”

 

          “Right.” I scoffed. “’Coz Dean is a much better choice” I barked a dry laugh. ”That’s exactly what you told me before, Charlie, and knowing then what I know now, it should’ve been Roman I married to.”

 

          Charlie’s eyes opened wide. “You don’t mean that.” She pouted.

 

          “No.” I bitchfaced. “No, I don’t. And that’s actually the worst part.”

 

          I head towards the kitchen to put the plates in the sink when I realized that Charlie was trailing me.

 

          “Charlie, you’re not supposed to be in here.”

 

          “Cas! You’ve got listen to me.” She said, holding my forearm so I couldn’t walk away. “Roman is up to something. Did he tell you that he owns a mining company now?”

 

          “Yes, Charlie. I’m made aware.” I lied.

 

           Roman did not tell me about owning a mining company, or that it was the purpose why he was staying here in Baltimore. It was Google who informed me. As to why I lied to Charlie -- well, that just added to a pile of interesting questions even I can’t answer.

 

          “And, did he tell you that they’re planning to start digging for some gold in a reserved reinforest around town?”

 

          “Yes, Charlie. He told me.” I lied. _Again_.

 

          “Then you should know by now that he was planning to use you to get an approval for this project he’s working on.”

 

          “Charlie.” I sighed heavily, getting tired of this conversation. “You know it’s wrong to accuse someone so lightly like that, right?”

 

          “If it was ever just an accusation.” She rolled her eyes. “Cas, Roman’s got everything he needs to start-up his dig here in Baltimore. He’s got a reinforest with possible gold and other stones and he’s got the advocate of Ecolife Preservation on his side. Don’t you think it’s a bit suspicious that he found you here, just like that? Do you actually believe he just so happen to stumble upon your way?”

 

          “Charlie.” I put my hand on her shoulder. “You’re thinking way too much. Roman won’t be using me ‘coz it was Carver Edlund who was the advocate of Ecolife, not Castiel Novak.”

 

           “You do realize that those names are owned by one person, right? That all it takes was for the media to get here and everybody will know that you are Carver Edlund.”

 

          “You think so highly of my fame.”

 

          “Because your fame never died, Cas. You can keep it down low but once your face was on TV again, they’ll recognize you.”

 

          “My face won’t be on TV, Bradbury.”

 

          “Oh, yeah? ‘Coz I heard Roman was holding a seminar around town. One that media men would die for just to get cover of.”

 

          “Charlie, please.” I sighed, slumping my shoulders. “Can’t you just be happy for me?”

 

          “And what?” She barked back. “Do nothing as you make another Balthazar in Roman? Yeah, so not happening, Cas.”

 

          “Charlie, please. Enough of this. You’re interrupting my work.”

 

          And just as Charlie was about to angrily storm off, smirking as she noticed how her words stuck in me.

 

          “Roman was one of Michael Collins’ best friends and most trusted business partner." She announced, raising an eyebrow and shrugging condescendingly if not smugly before saying,  I bet he told you that.”

 

          _Fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, you may notice that the format changed in some of the old chapters. Don't worry I'll fix that it's just that tab isn't working so.... yeah, as soon as I win this battle against tab I'll post the edited ones.
> 
> title song by lady gaga but think you already figured that out
> 
> And oh, I appreciate you :)


	17. 16. Never Say Never

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter yay \m/ aren't i great or what :D

~ Dean ~

 

          “Uh, what are you doing?” Sam bursted, confusion evident on his face.

 

          “This,” I said, arranging the clothes so there would be more space left for the others. “is what the citizens of  the United States call packing.”

 

          Sam gave me one of his top greatest bitchfaces in the history then rolled his eyes. “Yeah, no shit. What I mean to ask is why you are doing that.”

 

          “Ahh,” I mocked a proud smile. “Look at him. Finally able to ask the proper questions.”

 

          “Dean.” Sam reprimanded. “I’m serious.”

 

          “And so am I, Sam.”

 

          “What, you’re leaving?”

 

          “Well, technically, I was planning for it be _us_ who are leaving but since you put it that way…” I frowned condescendingly. “Guess it was just me then.” I continued, walking past him to get the last stack of clothes left in the closet.

 

          “No.” Sam said, sternly, blocking my way.

 

          “Sam.” I growled, finding it hard to keep it cool. “If you’re not coming, it’s fine. I get it. Totally, no sarcasm. But don’t you ever dare stop me.” I brushed my shoulder against his roughly as I reached for the bed where my duffel sat.

 

          “So, what? You’re giving up? Just like that? Like the coward you are when you walked away all those years ago? Don’t you ever learn, Dean?”

 

          I punched my clothes on the duffel and rushed to Sam, holding him by his collar. “Don’t you _ever_ call me a coward.” I said, through gritted teeth. “You have no fucking clue what I’ve been through before I chose to walk away.”

 

          “No, Dean.” He said, anger bleeding through his voice. “I know exactly what you’ve been through. Why else do you think I respected your decision not to tell Cas that we’re constantly in contact during your time away? I know, Dean. I know then as much as I know now.” He said, gritting his teeth before taking my hands off his collar and pushing me away.

 

          I glared at him before continuing the task of packing.

 

          “You can’t do this, Dean. You can’t just leave like this. You have to think this through -- ”

 

          “I’ve been thinking this through for weeks now, Sam. A whole month even if we’re gonna add the days that Cas started seeing Roman.”

 

          “Dean…” Sam called, pleading.

 

          I sighed.

 

          “I gotta do this, Sam.” I shook my head and sat on the bed, my hands scrubbing my face. “I just can’t sit around watching Cas and Roman happy while I’m a total mess.” I wiped my eyes as they started to water. “I’m just so tired, man. I…” I inhaled deeply, ‘coz I know that if I say another word, my voice will surely break and I just can’t have that.

 

          “I’m really sorry, Sam.”

 

          I clapped his back as I made my way to the door. Sam stood behind me quietly as he watched me open the door but I know that the person waiting on the other end caused that sharp breath intake he did.

 

          “You can’t leave.”

 

**×××**

 

          All three of us sat at the counter as Charlie poured our mugs with coffee. The duffel I packed sat on the couch in the living room and though my back was full on facing it, I can’t help myself but to look at it every once in a while.

 

          “Don’t even think about it, Dean.” Charlie said, getting my attention.

 

          “Why, Charlie?” I asked, confusion bleeding through my voice. “Last time I checked, my name was already out of your favorite persons list.”

 

          She hummed in agreement before saying, “Well, I’ll have to admit that you’re a much better choice than Roman.”

 

          Huh? Is she saying that Cas is better off with me than Roman?

 

          “Don’t be too happy, Winchester. It ain’t exactly a compliment. But given the choice between the world’s best liar and Kansas’ most eligible cheater, I’ll definitely be rooting for you.” She said, sipping her coffee after.

 

          “I don’t understand.” Sam muttered. “Why don’t you want Dean to leave?”

 

          “Oh, so, this is why they call you moose.” She rolled her eyes then drank her coffee again. She looked at me in the eyes -- something she hasn’t done for a long time now -- with a determined expression on her face before saying,

 

           “I want you to get Cas back.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title song by bieber and no i'm not a fan I just think it's that it best describes not giving up


	18. 17. Truth

 

~ Cas ~

 

 

           The blaring sound of Metallica woke me up, signaling that it was already 8-ish in the morning. I reached out to the nightstand and tried to feel where my phone might be so Metallica could finally stop singing when my hand felt for something different and jolted back. I looked up and sure enough, a vibrantly crimson-colored rose sat there.

 

           No wonder why I got pricked.

 

           After waking up the first time with a rose sitting on my nightstand last September 1st up to the 13th but was never followed through again, I thought the wooing phase of Dean Winchester was finally over. I mean, he doesn’t bother talking to me anymore or coaxing me to converse with him. It was exactly like the first week they moved in with me five months and a half ago and it was _perfect_.

 

           It’s not like it bothers me that he has finally given up or something. I am definitely _cool_ and _happy_ with us moving around the same roof like strangers.

 

            _Totally_ cool with that.

 

           So yeah, seeing a rose in my nightstand again was a surprise. And it didn’t make me smile like an idiot. It. Did. _Not_. It was a _frown_ , you bastards! Because seeing a rose sitting on my nightstand coming from Dean Winchester first thing in the morning is something I do _not_ look forward to.

 

           So, I tried to compose myself by getting that _frown_ out of my face and dressed up -- ready to tell Dean off. But surprise flowed through me when I walked towards the kitchen and a sinfully wonderful smelling breakfast of bacon, eggs and toasts were already made. I looked around in case I missed to see something but no one is in the living room.

 

           “Sam? Dean?” I called. “In here!” A reply coming from the Winchester’s room came. I walked towards the room and opened the door (how I wish I didn’t), seeing a chest-naked Dean Winchester wearing an impossibly tight jeans.

 

           My throat gone dry in an instant and I swallowed hard as my eyes fell from his face to his still wet chest and back to his eyes again. He was wearing that innocent face of his whenever he’s done something to tease me and pretending not to do it on purpose.

 

           “Wanna take a picture?” He said, drying his hair with towel.

 

           “Huh?”

 

 _Oh, great,_ Cas! _Good job_ _!_ _You just proved to Dean that you still got the hots for him_ _._ Bravo _._ _Slow clap for you, lad_ _._

 

           Dean cleared his throat and finally, fina-fucking-lly, my senses graced back to me in an instant.

 

           “What’s the meaning of this?” I asked, making sure that madness will bleed through my voice.

 

           “I…” He frowned. “am dressing up for work?”

 

           “No, Dean. What I mean is this.” I said, raising the rose to his eye level.

 

           He frowned again and furrowed his brows.

 

           “Look. I know what you’re doing and I’m telling you right now -- _stop_. Okay? Just stop.”

 

           “Oh.” He muttered. “You’re… thinking _that_ was my doing?”

 

           “Are they not?” I asked, condescendingly and irritatingly. Because Dean can deny it all he wants but I know better than to believe him.

 

           A feat I learned in the hard way.

 

           “Cas,” He paused, possibly thinking a way to get out of this. “Look, man. I did not do this, okay?”

 

           “Right. ‘Coz Sam’s hell-bent in wooing me.”

 

           Again, he frowned and furrowed his eyebrows. “Look, you see I’m still wet, right?” He said, like it was a matter of import. And, of course, it. _Wasn’t_. “It’s from the shower ‘coz I woke up late. I haven’t been out all morning and Sam didn’t come home last night -- I think -- ‘coz they’re doing something out of town -- ish. So, if you’d be kind enough to step aside so I could go, I’ll call for delivery and leave you to eat your breakfast in peace.” He said, walking past me for the door.

 

           I followed him blindly as he suddenly stopped in the middle of the kitchen and living room. He turned towards the table, looking at it for a moment, and said, “Huh, guess I don’t have to treat you breakfast anymore.” Then left for work without another word.

 

           I sat and stared at the breakfast done in front of me, wondering who else could possible do this. The rose, the breakfast -- it has to be Dean. I’m sure of it. The evidences are pretty clear after all.

 

           There were only three people who owns a key for this apartment apart from myself, that being Dean, Charlie and Sam. Sam knows nothing in the kitchen and Charlie cannot cook anything without burning them so it would only be Dean.

 

           Now about the rose, well, anyone who’s already inside could actually get in my room since I don’t lock it and most of the time, I leave it open. I didn’t saw Sam came home last night but that could also be because I turned in to bed around 9- ish. Charlie doesn’t even know that I like flowers so again, she wasn’t really an option. Which leaves me to only one person, again. That person being Dean.

 

           I was still in the peak of deep thought when the doorbell rang. I looked at the oven and the time reads 9:20. Huh. Didn’t know I was already sitting here for more than an hour. I stood up and stretched a bit before heading to the door.

 

           “Roman?” I mouthed in surprise and confusion. “What are you doing here?” Instead of answering me, Roman invited himself in. His eyes flew on the rose and breakfast that was still left untouched. “You… wanna join me?” I asked.

 

           He smiled gratefully then said, “I’d love to.”

 

           And that’s how we ended up eating breakfast together. And though I know to myself that it was Dean who made all these, the question still rolled off my tongue.

 

           “Did you… do all these?” I asked, uncertain why I actually bothered asking him despite knowing the obvious.

 

           His reply, though, took me by surprise.

 

           “Is it too obvious?” He said, smiling sheepishly. “I mean, I really tried to be discreet but…” He trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck.

 

           I was dumbfounded for a moment and took me long before I could say, “Who gave you the keys?”

 

           He looked up from where he was slicing his bacon and said, “No one.” He chewed the food first before continuing, “I was about to knock on the door when I saw Dean’s brother, Sam, leaving. I asked him if I could stay for a while to surprise you and he let me in. After a few moments of waiting for you to wake up, office called me for my 7 o’ clock meeting so I’ve had to leave.” He smiled at me and said, “I hope you’re not allergic to flowers or anything.” Motioning for the rose beside my right hand.

 

           “Uh, no. No, I -- I actually liked it.” I smiled.

 

           Though there is nothing to be disappointed about, I still can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong about all these. I’m sure it was Dean. Like, _really_ sure.

 

           Or _is it_? Was it _really_ Dean? Or do I _want_ it to be Dean?

 

           I shook my head and smiled again as Roman and I continued our breakfast.

 

           And that’s when I started to believe the undeniably obvious fact that there is no getting over Dean Winchester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> title song by zayn and yes imma hard core of fan of ma baby. yeah he's ma baby sue me!
> 
> ps. apologies with the format promise I'll fix that


	19. 18. Better than Revenge

~ Dean ~

 

          “That sonuvabitch!” I growled, punching the table hard.

 

          “Dean, calm down, okay?” Sam comforted, bowing his head to other patriots in a gesture of apology for my behavior.

 

          “Calm down? Calm down!” I ran my hands through my hair for the nth time. “How could I possibly calm down knowing that bastard could lie so easily without even batting an eye?” I shook my head in disbelief. “And to think Cas was totally buying it. Just like that!”

 

          Charlie, on the other hand, raised her brow with a proud smirk on her face. “Need more proof, Atty.?”

 

          Sam gave her one of his classic bitchfaces before rolling his eyes.

 

          So, the Operation Dick led by Charlie Bradbury has been deemed successful. The plan was for me to leave something on Cas’ nightstand that only me and him knows, then create the perfect breakfast that Cas love.

 

          Okay, yeah, I lied all about what I said a while back but now that we know Charlie was right, it was damn worth it.

 

          Next is for Charlie to meet Dick and tell him that Cas would love to find him there when he wakes up and that’s where Sam comes in. His duty was to hack the hidden cameras we found not so long ago.

 

          Yes. We found hidden cameras around the house which meant that Cas was being watched and Charlie was certain it was Dick who put it there. The bastard.

 

          So Dick came to the house just in time for him to see me finish cooking and for Sam to pretend leaving for work. And Dick seriously took it to his heart when Sam told him to, “Feel free to move around.” Right after he was sure that Sam “left” and I head to my room, Dick started checking for the hidden cameras and boy, the things I would do to remove that condescending smile off his fucking face after seeing that nothing was moved or rearranged.

 

          After my confrontation with Cas ended and I left, I immediately head straight to the bar to park Baby there and walk a few blocks more towards Biggerson’s where Charlie and Sam were waiting. There, we watched as the whole scene unfolds before us. How Dick entered the room like he owns the fucking place -- douchebag -- to the point where he said he’s the one who made the breakfast when truth is, _you just saw me cooking that before I turned in to my room again, bitch_.

 

          He didn’t even told Cas that we talked while I was plating the food. No, he took all the credit like  the fucking asshole he is.

 

          “So,” Sam said, after a couple of minutes of silence. “What now?”

 

          “What now?” Charlie asked, irritatingly. “What we’re gonna do is show this video to Cas and tell him what kind of liar that Roman was.”

 

          If this was someone else, I would’ve agreed to Charlie in a heart beat. ‘Coz, who wouldn’t want to end this charade faster, right?

 

          But this is different. This is Roman we’re talking about. And I am hell-bent in doing something greater than just telling Cas right away, no matter if it would take up more time.

 

          “No.” I said, “We’ll do something better.”

 

          Charlie raised an eyebrow, “Care to share it with the class?”

 

          I smirked.

 

         If I’m going to make Roman fall down, I’ll make sure he’s already way up high so the fall would hurt real bad. I’ll make sure he’ll pay for the lies he told Cas, for trying to use him for his selfish ambitions, and for working with someone like Michael Collins.

 

        But on top of it all, I’ll make him pay for even thinking for a second that he could just take my Cas away from me.

 

        Because Cas could be taken by anyone and I wouldn’t even make a fuss. But if Roman will be that guy, well fuck everything ‘coz I sure as hell and all damnation that it wasn’t just a _fuss_ I would make.

 

        It’ll be a motherfucking, ground-breaking, Roman’s world-crashing sinister.

 

         “We’re gonna make it big.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song title by t.swift. i gotta admit so far this is the perfect title i've ever named a chapter. let me know what you think and again sorry for the format. im really trying here but ...
> 
> is tab not allowed in ao3? hmmm... if you know such thing please do tell. thank you!
> 
> ps. i just noticed now that the comments for the previous chapter 16 was deleted. apologies i didn't know creating new chapter 16 would delete the comments. stupid, i know. im sorry. anyway, still feel free to comment. it may take a while for me to read and reply but rest assure that all of you will be entertained so, keep the love coming.
> 
> and hey, you're appreciated :)


	20. 19. Charlie

 

~ Dean ~

 

 

           “So, roses, huh?” Charlie quipped out of nowhere, sounding both amused and disbelieved. “Can’t say I saw that coming.” She chuckled to herself.

 

           We were in the lobby and towards the reception to get the key for the room that we booked under the name of Celeste Middleton a few days ago.

 

           I looked at her with furrowed brows and a frown and she continued with, “I told you to leave Cas something that only you and him know. Like, you know, _your_ thing or something, and you left a rose and a hearty breakfast.”

 

           “Oh.” I mused. “Uh, well, yeah. I mean, uh, yeah -- that’s -- that’s, uh, kind of _our_ thing.” I stammered like an idiot, mentally cursing myself when I felt my face flushed as I rub the back of my neck.

 

           Charlie laughed heartily and said, “Care to share with the class?” She stepped closer before saying, “Or is little Deanie shy talking about his crush?”

 

           I shoved her by an elbow and muttered “Shut up.” as she put a hand over her chest -- right where her heart would be -- and pretended to be hurt.

 

“Okay, okay, I’ll tell you if you stop.”

 

           She composed herself and head towards the lounge before sitting properly like a female president.

 

           I smiled as I shook my head and took the couch adjacent with hers. “Okay, so, remember our first month together? I invited Cas over to the tree house -- ”

 

           “The one that is strictly, and I quote, ‘Sam and Dean’s property only. We don’t share, get your own.’?”

 

           I gaped at her, finding it hard to believe that she still remembers that as she actually recited the whole warning sign I wrote on a piece of plywood and nailed it on a wood placed in front of the tree house. “Yeah, that one.” I said, once composed.

 

           “Then I told him to wait up ‘coz my gift isn’t ready yet and then, when I got out of the back door, I saw him bent over a rose Mom planted in our backyard. Touching it, smelling it, then smiling after that.”

 

           The memory was clear as day to me. I can clearly remember how the sun shone on Cas’ skin that afternoon. It makes his skin glow. And the genuine curve of his fond smile towards the flower made him even more like an angel than he already was. And even if I hadn’t had a camera back then to capture the moment, I made sure I etched it carefully and vividly in my mind so I wouldn’t forget.

 

           “That was the moment I fell really hard for him, Char.” I said, absent-mindedly. “I mean, I know I’m in love but after that moment, I knew I was too far gone and that I _really_ got it bad.” I smiled, thinking of the twinkle in Cas’ eyes as he stare in wonderment at how beautiful the flowers in Mom’s garden were. “He was so embarrassed about it, though.” I smiled at the thought of Cas blushing profusely. “Made me promise not to tell a single soul.” I chuckled lightly and found Charlie’s eyes. Her lips -- much to my surprise -- curved into a fond smile and suddenly, I was washed away with relief and gratitude because -- _that_ was an honest to God smile and _that_ was a good start.

 

           Granted that all she ever did since we came to town is to scowl and yell and made an infinite loop of ‘ _I told you, you were bad news!_ ’ -- yeah, I’d say I’d take that as a win any day.

 

           At least, something good happened before I take my leave. _For good_.

 

           I was so overwhelmed with happiness that the warm smile plastered on my face turned into a light chuckle. “What?” I asked as she chuckled with me and how my heart swelled that moment. “Nothing.” She said, still chuckling to herself. “And yet, you’re still laughing.” I quipped.

 

           She laughed then said, “Nothing. It’s just that . . . ” She trailed off, a faraway look on her face. Her whole demeanor has changed and right then and there I prayed I haven’t pushed my luck too hard. A sad smile was playing on her lips as I tried to apologize, “I--” She cut me off with a snort and dismissed it with a wave of her hand.

 

           “Really, Dean. It’s nothing. I just . . . ” She said, sad smile still on her lips. She chuckled dryly to herself and continued, “felt nostalgic, I guess?” She, then, looked me in the eyes -- sincerest expression on her face. “I mean, I haven’t realized just how much I missed you until now.” She ended with a sigh.

 

           “Are you professing your love for me, _Celeste_? ‘Coz I’m telling you right now, my heart’s still with Cas so you might wanna wait for me to move on, at least.” I retorted, trying to keep the conversation light.

 

           She rolled her eyes and snorted her way to laughter before kicking my leg. “But, seriously.” She said after a couple of breaths, face cloaked with undeniable honesty. “You’re a great friend, Dean. And despite the fact that you fuck up sometimes, I still think you were better for Cas than anyone else. Hell, the best even, if I’m being honest.”

 

           “Right,” I said, lips quirk up in a smirk. “‘Coz Kansas’ most eligible cheater is way much better than the world’s best liar.” I quoted. “Yep. I know, Charlie. No need to remind me.”

 

           She was laughing hard and already half-way on her attempt to smack me when her gaze turned to a different direction. I followed it and saw Sam smiling and making his way towards us, obviously seen the whole scenario before his eyes.

 

           “You do _know_ that in the books of creepy, what you just did is one of ‘em.” I said, once Sam was fully seated next to Charlie.

 

           “But I don’t wanna ‘ _cockblock_ ’ you, dude.” Sam tried and failed miserably to hold back his smirk and was welcomed by Charlie’s famous elbow-on-the-ribs-hit, which elicited a loud “Ow!” from Sam.

 

           I laughed as the two continue their bicker and as I watched the scene before me, something similar to hope ignited inside me. Like, if I just work a _little_ bit _harder_ , then maybe -- just _maybe_ \-- Cas would _finally_ accept me. I mean, Charlie already did so, Cas may not be too far behind, right?

 

           But then again, Cas is a man of principles and his own words. It’s actually one of the infinite reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place. And if he said he can’t, then -- much to my utter disappointment -- that means he _can’t_. And no one could force him or talk him out of it. And it’s not like I would. Because no matter how much I want this, so long as Cas wasn’t on board _at all_ , then it’ll be pointless.

 

           Love is a two-way street, after all. And it doesn’t work that way.

 

           When I came back to earth, it was to find Sam and Charlie looking at me as if my dog just died. And before they could ask stupid questions like ‘ _are you okay?_ ’, I gave myself an out. “Well,” I sat up, clapping my hands on the arms of the couch. “I don’t know about you but I could feel myself stink so…” I trailed off, hooking my thumb towards the elevator. Charlie nodded, lips pressed tightly on a thin line, obviously holding herself back from asking, while Sam watched me with worried eyes as I walked my way to the elevator.

 

           And just as they thought I’m already far enough not to hear them, Charlie asked, “Is he okay?” and Sam just sighed and replied, “I don’t know, Charles. I don’t know.”

 

           And I don’t think I could ever disagree with that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so if you think i didn't notice that i already hit 1007 reads then you are Awfully mistaken. 'coz right now all i can do is to fucking stare and think "holy fucking shit it's real! IT'S REAL". and because of that i have another gift for you 'coz i am not an ungrateful bitch who doesn't appreciate your time for reading (and to think you're really reading this shit) so yeah here you go fuckers (i mean it in the most endearing and affectionate way), enjoy!
> 
> and hey, you're appreciated.


	21. 20. Disturbia

 

~ Cas ~

 

 

           Everything was going well with my life.

 

           I mean, _is_ not _was_.

 

           Because Dean doesn’t bother me anymore and, in fact, left, yet again, with nothing but a note that says he’ll ‘ _be staying at a friend, won’t come home ‘til next week_ ’. And I certainly do _not_ feel lonely about the fact that Sam took off as fast as Dean, too, and the other fact that I was all alone what’s with Charlie still being MIA and haven’t talk to me since our last conversation.

 

           So, yeah. Everything’s just _fucking_ peachy.

 

           I hit the call button for the third time and, yep, Zeke’s gone, too.

 

 _Awesome_.

 

           At least things with Richard come easy.

 

           Oh, yeah, it was so freaking easy that we’re down to first name basis now because he said and I quote, “Castiel, you’re very important to me and I would love for you to call me by my first name.” followed by, “‘Coz I like the way my name rolls off that pretty little mouth.” then a wink and a peck on the lips.

 

           Actually, if he hadn’t reprimanded me that one time I wouldn’t even notice, to be honest.

 

           And if it was other people, someone else -- fine! If it was Dean, there I said it! -- it would’ve gotten _so much further_ than just a peck.

 

           But then again, it wasn’t other people or someone else. And it most certainly _wasn’t_ Dean.

 

           And no matter how much I hate to admit it, it didn’t make my insides flutter like it should. Like it always does with Dean.

 

 _Oh my fucking god,_ Castiel! _Will you please_ stop _whining about how much it_ wasn’t _like with Dean_? _Of course it wouldn’t be like when you were with Dean because breaking news, brother! You. Are._ Not _. With Dean!_

           Maybe I should shut my brain for a moment, because all this thinking is seriously taking its toll and now it’s making my head hurt. Like, a _lot_.

 

           So, when Richard asked me to come with him in a hotel nearby the reinforest where his one-week seminar and project announcement will be held, I didn’t even bat an eye before saying yes. Because maybe, this would help me clear my mind from thinking of Dean-fucking-Winchester all the time.

 

           Not like I’ll ever admit that out loud.

 

           So, yeah. I up and left the apartment with feigned enthusiasm, all the while, Charlie’s voice was echoing inside my head. Words like _using_ , _lying_ , and _Michael’s best friend and most trusted business partner_ are on the front seat of my mind that I could practically see them -- all caps and written in bold.

 

 _No_ , said the little voice inside me. _Don’t do this, just enjoy it while it last_.

 

           And enjoy I did. Like the obedient little fucker I was and pushed my last conversation with Charlie at the farthest corner of my mind.

 

×××

 

           Not long after, we arrived at the hotel that Richard told me that we’ll be staying. Hotel du Ciel has a nice view of the reinforest where Charlie said Richard will start his dig.

 

           It was so beautiful it’s breath-taking. Not to mention a little bit surreal. The rays of sun were barely making it through what’s with so many trees surrounding the hotel and the glass windows where I am currently standing just had the perfect view of the cloudy blue sky outside.

 

 _It’d probably be great to take a walk around later_ , I thought to myself, savouring the peacefulness the view ventures.

 

           It was then I turned to look around for Richard but what I saw was far more interesting than what I intend to find.

 

           Right there, sitting in the lobby couch, was Dean, tapping away on his phone and seemingly unable to care to the world surrounding him. I would’ve probably shrugged the little twinge in my stomach off since I am in no position whatsoever to question why he was here. And I was also just on my way to walking off the other direction so as he would not see me when I got stuck dumbfounded as to who came approaching him.

 

           She was in jeans, green button down which sleeves were rolled up to her elbows as she nonchalantly sat across him, her red hair flaming as one of the chandelier lights struck it.

 

           I stood there mouth agaped for what seemed like hours until I was fumbling for my phone before I could even realize it.

 

           I watched them stood almost at the same time, seemingly ready to leave, when she reached for her phone, a frown on her face as she stared at it.

 

           Though I was far enough not to hear them, words like ‘aren’t you going to take it?’ formed out of Dean’s lips as he watched Charlie very carefully, who mouthed a simple ‘nah.’ with a wave of her hand as a dismissal of the subject and put the phone back to her back pocket.

 

           And that’s when I found myself fuming, surging forward without thinking and only having a single word in mind: _why_.

 

           If I were God, I’d probably get annoyed hearing this question over and over again from these petty little earthlings. I am pretty annoyed now, to be honest, because I never thought I could ask the question over and over in an infinite loop.

 

           Why? Why is Charlie with Dean? Why is Dean here? Why are they here? Why isn’t she answering her phone? Why is she hanging out with him? Why does she act like she hasn’t hated the guy for months now? Why, why, _why_?

 

           It was pathetic, really. How these questions have practically taken over my mind before I could realize that both of the subjects of my interest are now looking at me like a fucking deer caught in the headlights and stood there with their mouths falling open in shock.

 

           Charlie was able to school her features pretty quick, though. A feat Dean had taken up so long before perfecting.

 

           “Celeste.” I called through gritted teeth and I know I don’t have to look inside Charlie’s head to know she knows how pissed I am.

 

           “Cassie.” She retorted back, knowing how much it annoys the hell out of me hearing that pet name Gabriel gave me.

 

           “A word. _Now_.” I growled, pulling her by her wrist and yanking her to the other side of the lobby, hearing Dean say, “I’ll just… wait here then.” awkwardly, shuffling before settling to slump on the couch he was on earlier.

 

           “Why are you with him?” I asked, anger barely hidden in my voice. “I thought you hated him? So, what, you’re friends now or something?”

 

           “People change, Cassie. That goes with point-of-views, as well.” Charlie smirked as she saw how I could barely handle my hatred with the nickname.

 

           “I told you not to call me that. Do _not_ make me tell you twice.”

 

           “Or what?” She challenged, gritting her own teeth as she anticipated my possible threat. “You’re the one who started this, if I may add.”

 

           “You know exactly _why_ I started this, if I may add.” I told her mockingly.

 

           Out of nowhere, Richard appeared next to Charlie, “Oh, hi. Charlie, right? I didn’t know you’re here.”

 

           And to some, it’ll be Charlie’s enthusiastically polite smile but I know her from head to foot better than her own parents to know that _that_ smile was anything _but_ polite.

 

           Charlie could be plotting Richard’s death right at this very second without him knowing. No one would really suspect, though -- apart from me I guess -- what’s with the sweet talking she’s doing right now.

 

           “Oh, hi.” Charlie smiled a lot sweeter than her smile earlier. “Yeah, I heard you were holding a seminar and announcing a project of yours?” She said as if she was unsure. She could really be a little shit sometimes if she intended to. “Well, let’s just say the thing got me hooked and I wouldn’t want to miss it for the world.” She continued.

 

           Richard smiled at her, proud that he has a very interested audience. Little does he know, Charlie was probably stabbing him a couple of times now inside her head.

 

           Charlie chanced a glance on me and I saw something flicker in her eyes that I could hardly put a name on. At first it was just mischief, then turned to amusement and then into something that incredibly screams she knows something that not another soul of this planet knew.

 

           It was a look on her face that never fails to tell me that something _big_ is happening. Like a foreboding of an upcoming shitstorm.

 

           And before I could catch myself, I saw her walking back to Dean, Richard saying ‘oh, Dean’s also here.’ feels so distant, despite our current proximity.

 

           My hunches were confirmed, though, as I turned to look back at Charlie after letting Richard guide me to the elevator and saw her staring at me, her lips curled up into a _very_ dangerous smirk.

 


	22. 21. Little White Lies

 

~ Dean ~

 

 

           “So… You think he caught on something?”

 

           There’s something about that question that creeps the fuck out of me. Because, well, we’re doing something behind Cas’ back and we’re hiding it from him as sneakily as that Dick Roman which is why it felt somehow _wrong_. It feels as though we’re doing the exact same thing Dick was doing.

 

           Charlie bitchfaced at me before answering, “Cas’s a smart cookie. You know there is nothing we can hide from him that he wouldn’t hint on.”

 

           “I dunno, Charles. That not-so-subtle evil smile of yours makes it hard to tell.” I sniggered, which earned me a light punch in the arm.

 

           “I did that because he’s being bitchy again. But then again, one would never want to see his ex hanging out with his best friend.” Charlie grinned, an evil mischievous glint flashed in her eyes before she waggled her eyebrows.

 

           The plan has been going well so far. Charlie -- bless her and her psychic abilities -- had been right that Dick (yeah, I call him ‘Dick’ inside my head because, what the fuck, it _fits_. Not to mention, it’s _my_ head and no one could call me out on it, thank you very much) would bring Cas with him in the seminar, which only made things clearer on that Dick’s true agenda. As soon as I saw Dick and Cas jumped out of the car, I immediately texted Charlie that Operation Dick is a go.

 

           And as soon as Dick went to the lobby, Sam made sure that the receptionist -- who has a not-so-subtle-crush on him, if I may add -- talks and flirts with Dick, making him take his sweet time -- enough for Charlie to be at the lobby with me and for Cas to see us.

 

           And boy did Cas saw us. The reaction would’ve made me back out, if I wasn’t doing any of this to save his sweet, _sweet_ ass.

 

_Okay, Winchester, get a grip!_

 

           It was hard, though, because Cas was oh _so_ hot whenever he was fuming, frustrated and hell and all damnation pissed off. So, not popping a boner has seriously taken _all_ of me. Not to mention the glare he sent my way when I muttered “Hey, Cas.” under my breath.

 

           I doubt he really heard me, though.

 

           So I just stood there quietly -- like the good boy I was -- and watched as Cas hauled Charlie out of the waiting area and the other side of the hotel’s lobby.

 

           Then I sat on the couch where I would’ve a good view of them and watched Cas do wild hand gestures and the universal hand gesture of ‘what the fuck’ which I taught him a few months after we got together during the start of our high school.

 

           From where I sat I could clearly see how Charlie managed to piss the shit out of Cas’ life and how satisfied she looks each time. And then there’s Dick, who apparently thought that now is a good time to put his arm around Cas’ waist and god, do I only desire one thing in life and that is to decapitate the fucking guy -- but then again I am Dean Winchester who is a good boy that follows orders like a fucking pro from Charlie (because I’d be smitten in that instant if I didn’t) and just sucked it up and tightened my jaw as Charlie made a good stunt of sweet talking that Dick.

 

           “Dean.” Charlie called, forcefully pulling me out of my recollection of the past events earlier. “I want to ask you something.”

 

           “Charlie, I already told you. ‘M not going out with you until I’ve fully moved on from Cas.” I snickered at the bitchface and light punch she threw my way for the nth time since we came here.

 

           “Asshole.” She muttered under her breath though there was no real heat in those words. She sighed and looked at me straight in the eye with all the seriousness she could muster up. “You’ll stay, right?” She said, fidgeting nervously. “You’re not planning to leave, anymore… right?”

 

           “Of course.” I said, all too quickly. “Where else will I go?” I added, flashing my best shit-eating grin. Her eyes squinted at me and, though I know she knows I’m lying, she let it go by smiling and told me that she’s going to go find Sam.

 

           I really wish that what I said was true. But, I know that even after this whole thing going on, Cas and I won’t be together and there’s no reason for me to stay in Baltimore.

 

           ‘Coz if it already hurts seeing Cas in the arms of that son of a bitch, it’ll only be a hell of lot worse when he finally find someone who truly deserves him.

 

           And I don’t wanna be around when that happens.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it will get better, folks. trust me. i know you're getting sick of this and trust me, i am, too, but i promise it gets better.


	23. 22. Arms

 

~ Cas ~

 

 

           Fear.

 

           To say that I was so familiar with the word might be the world's biggest understatement of the century. Because it's familiarity feels like a second nature to me.

 

           I fear a lot of things. _Used_ to fear a lot of things.

             I fear losing Charlie -- the one that came close to anyone's decription of family.

             I fear losing Gabe. Though I've already lost him years and years ago, the thought of entirely _losing_ him would leave me more wounded than when he simply abandoned me.

             I fear losing Dean. Because losing him will mean losing myself all over again and no one needs that kind of encore now, isn't it?

 

           But this? This is different.

 

           This isn't fear.

 

           This is downright _terrifying_.

 

           It all started simply that late afternoon. Richard and I are talking about what we will do by the evening, though he’s actually the one doing most of it and all I did is nod and smile and pretend to be interested as my mind kept wandering to places it should’ve not.

 

           Needless to say that _someone_ must have been more fitting but you know me and I’ll die first before you get me to admit that.

 

           “--so that’ll give us time to have dinner together. Sound good to you, Castiel?”

 

           I jumped as I felt arms snaking their way around my waist. The first thought that came to my mind was how _wrong_  the arm was and I barely managed not to squirm away from the touch.

 

 _You’re barely starting and you already get_ this _antsy? How could you move on and start your life over if all you could think about is how the only arm_ right _to be placed around your waist was Dean’s? Get a grip,_ Novak! _This_ isn’t _high school anymore._

 

           I smiled and nodded, though I really do not have any idea of some sort as to what I’m agreeing about.

 

           “Great!” Richard beamed, his smile wide enough to flash the white of his teeth. “Okay, I gotta go now so I would finish early and we could go out and eat dinner or stay in and just order room service. The owner of the hotel was a friend of mine so I could make a request if you choose to stay in and eat here.” He babbled on, kissing my left cheek before adding, “What do you think?”

 

           I only managed a smile and said, “Either way is fine with me so long as I get to eat with you.” And as soon as the sentence was out, I immediately swallowed hard to tamp down the bile that was trying to escape and silenced the constant loop screaming ‘ _wrong! wrong! wrong!_ ’ inside my head.

 

           Richard just smiled even wider, telling me that he’ll be back before I know it, kissed my left cheek again and took his leave.

 

           I sighed as I was greeted by yet another breath-taking sight of the city outside the window. The sun has just begun to set and it’s just a very beautiful sight to see, calming one’s own constantly buzzing mind.

 

           Not once today that I was surprise how my mind kept coming back to the sight of Dean and Charlie.

 

           I can’t shake off the feeling that Charlie was up to something (if Dean wasn’t her accomplice yet, which I find hard to believe at the moment) and I was sure as hell it’s got something to do with Richard.

 

           Should I warn him, then? But, all of this was just a hunch. I can’t tell Richard something like this if it wasn’t really a matter of import. It’ll only add up to his burden, along with the stress his event was giving him and whatnot.

 

           So, with one last sigh, I’ve decided to let it go.

 

 _I’ll deal with the aftermath later._ I thought. _Way much later, I hope._ And prayed that my week wouldn’t get ruined by whatever it is Charlie and her dangerous smirk have instored.

 

           Then it's a fairly normal night. I’ve seen Sam, Dean and Charlie once in passing when I went to look around and though Sam and Dean are the only ones who has the decency to nod and smile sheepishly, I still think that everything is going well so far.

      

           So, yeah. Everything's just peachy. Even during the time Richard called that he couldn't pick me up because he was stuck at a meeting regarding with only God knows what and I ate alone in my room despite having the freedom to eat at the buffet downstairs -- everything else’s just normal.

 

           Until the time that it's not.

 

           And that's the time I woke up at ass o' clock in the middle of the night – or early in the morning, depends on how you look at it -- when I heard someone fumbling through their keys to my hotel room. “Richard?” I called, though I’m certain it wasn’t him because he doesn’t have a duplicate key of my room.

 

           I opened the door and sure enough there was Dean, falling flat with his face first, the scent of what could only be the smell of tequila reeking out of his system was very overwhelming it makes me want to vomit.

 

           "What the fuck, Dean?" I asked before I could really help it. He laughed, "Oh, Sammy, 'M so sorry. I -- " He stopped with a hiccup when he got a good look of me. "Oh." He said, like he wasn't expecting to see me. Like he didn't know he got the wrong room. He pushed himself up, frowning then stared at me. Eyes darkened oh so suddenly. Then I looked down at myself and saw what he's been looking at.

 

           "Dammit!" I breathed out. Because of the noises he made, I completely forgot that I've slept only in my boxers and boy, the things it does to Dean if his reaction is anything to go by.

 

           I cleared my throat and Dean retracked his eyes from where they're glued in my chest. He tried -- and failed oh so miserably -- to stand up. I huffed exasperatedly because of how annoyingly familiar this whole situation was and hovered around to help him up.

 

           "'M fine. Jus -- Jus -- " he tried to say but he was so out of it that the words that come out of his mouth are more than just slurred. I took his hand and placed his arm around my shoulder, my hand on his waist as I guide him to the couch, thankful that the hotel had placed such huge couch that even someone as huge as Sam could comfortably fit in.

 

           I lied him down and let his head pillow the armrest. And just when I was about to walk off to retire to my bed, a hand forcefully pulled me down and I landed on him, my hand pressed firmly on his chest as he wrapped me tightly in his arms.

 

           "Don't go." He whispered, almost begging. "Dean..." I tried to push myself up but his arms only tightened around me. "Please, Cas. Please." He begs, the pleading is no doubt present in his voice. "Please."

 

           And there came the familar shaking from him, because I felt that same shake months ago -- when I told him _I can't_ instead of _I don't_.

 

           "Dean, let go." But he did not listened. A familiar weight becomes heavier inside me as the shaking intensifies.

 

           And it hurts. It hurts to see the one you love get hurt. Especially, if that loved one is known to be as strong as Dean Winchester. A sob forcibly got out of him as he continue to struggle in keeping himself silent.

 

           "Dean." I said, much softer now as he shakes violently, not bothering to hide the sound of his cries anymore.

 

           "Cas."

 

           It's just one word. One name, one syllable. Yet, it rolled off his tongue with so much pain.

 

           "Cas, please. Please."

 

           I do not know what he's begging me for -- whether to stay or to let him in again, I have no idea. I left before because the pain of losing Dean is just too much, so much more than Gabe walking away from me after our parents just died. Then I never came back, not because I don't want to but because I can't, what's with Michael chasing after me and all. And all this time, I know I'm doing what's right. Even now that Dean's been living with me but not actually _with_ me, I know this was for the best. But seeing him like this right now?

 

           I don't know anymore.

 

           And this. This is what terrifies me.

 

           To not know where I stand to those I believed in before. Because the start of questions is the undeniable presence of doubt. And doubt brings the urge to let go and say, _fuck it_ , and just wrap my arms around him and start anew.

 

           And it can't be done. I can't allow it. Being with Dean is like dragging him to the grave I dug for myself ever since Balthazar came to my life. I don't regret anything and I know I needed to do penance for the way I lead Balthazar on but Dean doesn't have to lift my burden. He doesn't have to do the same penance I'm going after.

 

           It's my fault. My misery.

 

           Only _I_ should suffer, then.

 

           "Please, Cas." Dean pleaded, more brokenly this time and it's taking every single strand of self-reservation within me.

 

           "Dean, don't." I said, pushing myself up again and failing. I took a deep breath -- familiar scent of leather and oil mixed with vodka ingrained from deep within me -- and closed my eyes. "Just don't."

 

           "I love you." He whispers through violent sobs. And I felt myself go weak right then and there.

 

           And it's my turn to beg. "Dean, please."

 

           "I can't, Cas." He sobbed. "I can't lose you. Not again. I -- " He inhales sharply. "I can't live without you, Cas. I’ll die. I can't."

 

           "Don't say that." I pushed myself off him violently which caught him off guard. "Don't you _ever_ say that."

 

           "Cas..." And he does it again. Kneeling in front of me as he takes both of my hands placing them on his face, pleading for something I don't know if I'm ready to give. If I'll ever be ready to give.

 

           "Oh, Dean."

 

           I'm lost on what to do as the man I love continuously weeps in front of me. Looking so broken, so lost. Green eyes red-rimmed because of tears. Tear-streaked face, unevenly breathing. Lips wet with tears that spilled past them as he places a kiss on top of my hands. Few tears of my own now spilled but I wiped them out violently.

 

           I took both of my hands forcefully, pushing Dean on the hard floor in return as I walked away. A loud sob got out of him and it knocked the breath out of my lungs. My chest, constricted. My heart stopped beating. I stop my tracks and stood there, my back facing him.

 

           "Please... Cas..."

 

           And that's when I lost it.

 


	24. 23. Realized

 

~ Dean ~

 

 

           There’s just something _wrong_ with whatever I’m sleeping on right now, no matter how comfortable it is.

 

           And as soon as my brain recognized that I am finally capable of thinking coherent thoughts, a wave of infinite mind-numbing pain hit my head and I groaned out loud despite my gut telling me not to.

 

_Why the fuck not? I own this room and I’m gonna make as much noise as I want no matter what, thank you very much!_

 

           Suddenly, as if my brain’s attempt at retaliation, flashbacks came rushing through my brain all at once -- memories of the previous night’s activities. It sent another wave of pain and nausea but it dissipated the moment I swallowed down hard.

 

           I sat up with a loud groan again and immediately regretted the act. I tilted my head backwards and was surprised as I fell and hit my head on something that is in between soft and hard at the same time, adding more pain to my already screaming hangover.

 

           Frowning, I sat up and realized why I fell -- I was on a couch. My eyebrows furrowed and I looked around only to find a body snoring softly on the bed.

 

 _Have I slept with someone?_ I frowned. _That can’t be, because if I did I sure as hell ain’t gonna be on this couch._

 

           I walked slowly, making sure to make no noise as I moved towards the sleeping form on the bed.

 

           As soon as my eyes met a mess of dark mop of a hair, I already realized why I was on the couch. I inched forward, taking the chance to have a good look of the sleeping person I’ve never had the chance of seeing aslept ever again. My fingers twitched and my hand already moved the stray strand of hair hanging on his forehead and just _stared_ at how much I missed this. _Him_.

 

           I pushed back the tears that are threatening to come out and kissed his forehead. And because I’m a greedy son of bitch, my lips trailed down to his nose, then his lips.

 

           And boy, those lips never changed. Still as soft and chapped as I remember them.

 

           I let my lips linger there, closing my eyes and pretending he was mine. To my surprise, a hand held the back of my head and the lips I’m currently attached to _moved_.

 

           My eyes shot open wide, only to see that his was still closed. Only then have I let myself get lost in that kiss, squeezing my eyes shut before pulling back.

 

           “I love you, Dean.” He murmured. Ever so softly that I could’ve missed it. He sighed and went back to his peaceful slumber as I continued kneeling beside his bed, dumbfounded.

 

           By the looks of it, Cas was dreaming. He was not fully awake when he kissed me back nor when he said those three little words that make my inside flippity flop. (and no, I never used that word. _Ever_.) Years of sleeping with him -- pun intended -- taught me that Cas do some things mindlessly even during his sleep. And I’ve also read that what a person does when they’re not fully awake means the act was pure and genuine.

 

 _So does that mean Cas_ still _loves me?_

 

           I sighed as I walked out the room, leaving a note of gratitude, for letting me sleep in his couch, and apology, for bothering him late at night.

 

           If Charlie didn’t told me what Cas’ room number was, if she and Sam didn’t dragged me to the hotel bar to drink and celebrate at how Operation Dick is going and if I didn’t drunk way too many tequila shots and if only those two bitches with me last night cared enough to at least take me to bed -- none of this would’ve happened.

 

           I pushed my keys on my room with a little too much force due to annoyance and rubbed my face with both hands as I sat heavily on the bed. I raised my head and looked around and yup, mine is a whole lot smaller than Cas’.

 

           I frowned for the nth time this morning realizing that Dick wasn’t there. Then my mind flew back last night, recollecting all events.

 

           Charlie telling me Cas’ room number just for the hell of it, she and Sam ganging up against me to go to the bar, them leaving me on the bar to get laid, me drowning myself with hell of a lot tequilas, me walking towards the elevator (those bitches didn’t even followed me, douchebags), me going out of the elevator, me walking towards room no. 429, me pushing the keys and cursing when it didn’t fit, me resting my forehead on the door ‘til it opened and I fell face first on the floor, me getting up and seeing Cas standing there in nothing but his boxers, then crying and pleading, hugging and kneeling, then Cas kissing me --

 

_Wait, what?_

 

           I tried to replay that one back and yeah, Cas kissed me last night and not like the kiss he mindlessly gave me this morning, no. It’s… Fuck, it’s _good_. It’s like the kisses we shared before shit hit the fan.

 

           I tried to recall what happened next but everything is just blank. I tried harder and yup, as expected. There was the faint _I’m sorry, Dean_ before I inevitably passed out.

 

           I sighed and rested my forehead on both of my hands. Fuck. What did I expect? I should’ve known. Cas definitely regret the whole thing and boy, if that didn’t hurt. Because, damn, Cas _apologized_ for kissing me. He _regretted_ kissing me. Holy shit.

 

           The pang in my chest continued to throb steadily only to stop when I made up my mind.

 

_After this circus was over, I’m gonna leave this shit first thing in the morning._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i repeat, it will get better.


End file.
